Category Archives: Thoughts

Fighting the Right Enemy

Anyone that truly knows me, knows how much I love dogs. Simply put, they are the best. Just the absolute best. Years ago, when I first read about what Michael Vick had done to all of those poor pups, my heart broke. Then it filled with rage and I wanted Vick’s head on a silver platter. How could anyone not?! He and his crew heinously killed, at the very least, eight dogs. For as long as these fights had been going on, I wouldn’t be surprised if that number is much higher.

Fast forward a decade and the story still leaves a bad taste in our mouths. Vick did an 18-month stint in prison for his involvement with dog fighting. In addition, he lost his $130 million contract with the Falcons, as well as Nike and the rest of his endorsements, causing him to file for bankruptcy. Despite all of this, he managed to get back into the NFL, which has upset a lot of people. They want him gone for good.

Since, Michael Vick has become a major advocate for animal rights, donating his time and money, to stop the very thing he went to prison for. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting we praise the man and hail him as some sort of hero. However, there is something to be said about his transformation. Vick also speaks with kids at inner city schools, warning the children not to fall into the traps that he did as a young man growing up in the projects. The pressure to join a gang is something that most of us will never have to know.

Recent news has Vick being named as honorary captain for the NFL’s upcoming Pro Bowl game. As you can imagine, the country is up in arms over it. They want him out. They want him dead. They want him tortured. The very people upset about his torturing animals to death, want to torture him to death. This might be the most upside down, backwards, and redundant way of thinking.

Our current society is so incredibly predictable it’s almost laughable. The media reports that he’s being named honorary captain and it takes just mere seconds for it to anger people from coast to coast. People are triggered instantly and insanely upset about something they didn’t even know they were mad about. In no time, posts and statuses start going up like wildfire. There is no stopping it now. In wildfire suppression, firefighters use a technique called a “burnout”. This is the process of starting smaller fires to stop the bigger fire from spreading. Unfortunately, this rarely works in the case of internet activism. Instead of slowly burning out, the fighting simply shifts to the next “injustice” that the media tells us to be upset about.

Our due diligence ends with the signing of a made-up petition and no further action is taken after that. This has become our way of “helping”. No one cares about the actual atrocities that we are plagued with; they just want someone to pay the price. Even when that person has done their time and paid their debt to society. There is no such thing as becoming reformed. We don’t allow people to better themselves and mature. You can never escape your past or be forgiven for your wrongdoings. God will forgive your sins, but “Cathy from Tallahassee” will not. In this particular case, the dispute between everyone is not about the real problem; dog fighting. It is now a contest of ignorance and egos to determine who has the best “expert” opinion.

This is all part of what is called “fake outrage”. It’s where an individual gets all pumped up over an issue, conjures up a thought that has been planted in their soft frontal lobe, and then spews it all over their social media pages. It is my belief that Vick served his time and has more than made up for his violent actions against helpless animals. This in no way condones his acts. I believe this is where everyone gets confused. What he did was unacceptable, but it is forgivable.

My suggestion would be to take this anger you have for this man and redirect it towards those that are still involved in dog fighting. Vick is no longer the enemy. He has renewed himself and is attempting to right his wrongs. We should be working alongside him to save these pups from a cruel and tortuous life.

We have so much more control over the predicaments that we are faced with, than we even realize. Social and mainstream media are racking in millions of dollars every day over us fighting with each other. Our expectable nature is fueling these news conglomerates and we are dividing ourselves further and further apart. It’s not the government or the media doing it, it’s us. They’re just profiting off of it.

So, how do we resist the urge to argue with someone on the internet? It’s so easy to do and it doesn’t require you to even leave the comfort of your couch. They’re faceless arguments that often result in name calling and a devaluation of other’s thoughts and opinions. Rarely do you see people being subjective and open to new ideas. We solve nothing because we’re too busy waiting to talk instead of actively listening. In my opinion, it is best to avoid it at all costs. This may seem easier said than done, but you aren’t going to win. Not because you are wrong, rather the person you are arguing with has already made up their minds. Everything after the fact is futile. Save yourself from the headache, extra stress, and frustration.

We are a very capable society that can accomplish great things if we would just learn to work together. We can make this world a better place if we would just step away from our computers and dig into our communities and neighborhoods. A little love can go a really long way.

With gratitude,

Ryan

We Can Do Better

Gentleman, we need to have a little talk. This will likely pertain to those that are in relationships in which you live with your mate. Although, those that are single or live separately from their significant other, should also pay attention. There will be information given that you will be able to keep in your arsenal, should future problems arise.

For the longest time, we were the hunters, gatherers, providers, and protectors of the family. Many of us still are. And the woman were the homemakers, cooks, maids, and chief boo-boo fixers. It is a dynamic that seems to have run its course and it is imperative that we change with the times. Women are now CEO’s, executive chefs, artists, business owners, and general bad asses. They have become heads of state and family. They even kill their own spiders, now. Yet, they don’t seem to get the respect that they deserve. Giving them their due, doesn’t take anything away from our own accomplishments. Who doesn’t like praise and validation? It is the biggest motivator and a lost art in most of today’s business models. But I digress.

Men, we have it really good. At least the ones I know, including myself, and likely most guys for that matter. Our ladies maintain the household better than we could ever dream of doing. The deal in our home is, she does the cleaning and I will shoot all the bad guys and slay dragons and stuff. It’s a fair trade off, just don’t tell her I said that. Being off work for an extended period of time, has provided me with a unique look into how the American family runs on a daily basis. It turns out, the laundry doesn’t wash, dry, and fold itself. I know. I was shocked, too.

Being home meant I needed to take on more of a stay-at-home-dad (SAHD) role. In an agreement with my wife; I would cook, clean, do laundry, etc. Let me tell you something, this is hard work, and it sucks. The hours are terrible and it never ends. It often goes without any thanks whatsoever. I’m not sure how many kids we even have anymore. It used to be four, but then on some occasions I’ll see another kid. Where did they come from? Are they 3-D printing themselves now? These little crumb snatchers can destroy a room in a matter of seconds. They’re like a NASCAR pit crew of destruction.

I do my best, and it isn’t even half of what my wife does on a day-to-day basis. I can barely remember everything that needs to be done, let alone accomplishing it all. I should probably start using the Alexa to-do list function. I believe most women would prefer to do things on their own in the first place. So, if they are asking for your help, don’t squander this opportunity to show her that you’re part of this team. By her asking, she is saying that she needs you. Do not take this lightly. My wife asked me to hang a coat rack in the laundry room for 2 years. When I finally “got around” to accomplishing this task, it took me less than six minutes, and I got to use power tools. Everyone wins. The point is, putting off these sometimes-mundane tasks, causes more headaches than they’re worth. I was able to make my wife ecstatically happy, during a commercial break. That hasn’t happened since we first started dating!

I should remind you; I do not have a job outside of freelance writing for a couple hours a day. A task that can be done at any hour and at my convenience. When I was working full time, I would come home and kick my feet up. Before work, I often lounged or did as I pleased. This was not a functional team. Guys, do not do this! I repeat, do not do as I once did. It will cause you great heartache and stress. More importantly, it will make things so much harder on your partner.

A typical day for my wife involves a full work day which is often extended by a few hours, a couple of days a week. When she gets home, she prepares dinner, bathes the kids, picks up around the house, does laundry, and if she’s lucky she gets to unwind a little before bed with some sort of awful British T.V. show. She also handles the finances, listens to the plights of teenage girls, and reads stories to our little ladies. She even found time to beat breast cancer last year. Saying that we couldn’t do this without her is the understatement of the year.

As the only male in the household, (besides one of the dogs and a potato shaped guinea pig) I regularly feel out of place, outnumbered, and out of touch. Nevertheless, I have learned so much from all of them. They have taught me to be softer, more compassionate, patient, and understanding. I’ve also found that they tend to cry a lot and frequently they have no idea why.

I’m sure a lot of you do a great job at this every day. And this truly does apply to both sexes and all types of relationships. You don’t have to subscribe to feminism and rallying for change to show the women in your life that you appreciate them. You don’t have to march with picket signs to encourage them to go after that big promotion and tell them how proud you are of everything they have accomplished. Part of what I have learned in recent months, is that it’s OK to live an average and quiet life. Not every job is going to be some grandiose career that leads to fame and recognition. That doesn’t mean we don’t need validation. We are not going to be judged by the jobs we held, but rather by the type of life we live and the joy we bring to others.

I’m not here to tell you how to run your household, nor do I claim to have all the answers. None of what we’ve discussed is a hard concept. The very least we can do is make sure our underwear finds its way to the hamper instead of the floor or door knob and empty the dishwasher every so often. Take a moment to notice her and validate her feelings. Give her thanks and praise. Take her out to do the things that interest her. Give her time to pursue hobbies or even just some alone time. With the current political climate, women have come under fire and are being treated unreasonably. It is our job to stand side by side with our women and demand change from a male dominated system that continuously knocks them down. Let’s lift up our ladies, show our appreciation, and fight the good fight. Even if there aren’t any dragons.

Thankful

What does it really mean to be thankful? We hear everyone ask this question around this time of year, but it doesn’t seem to be a discussion during the remaining months. And the answers always seem so cliché and almost rehearsed. Does anyone take the time to truly think about what gives them thanks? Or, are we just so engrossed by all the “things” in our life, that we lose sight of what really matters?

I’m always thankful for my family. And not just because that’s the easy answer. They are what gives me the most joy and happiness. Family has been the constant in my life that has always lifted me up and gotten me through some of my hardest fought battles. We try to find something positive in every single day. Around the dinner table, after we say grace, we go from person to person and everyone gets their chance to regale each other with the best thing that happened to them that day. Even on our worst days, we find at least one good thing that occurred. It’s usually then followed up by one of our daughters pretending to be a velociraptor or telling a joke they heard in school. We laugh. We share. We delight in each other.

I’m extremely thankful for an amazing wife that has never let us down. I thank God every day for giving her the strength to beat cancer and keep her with us. She works so incredibly hard to make sure we have everything we need. Often times at the mercy of her own sanity. I’m thankful for the chance to grow as a person and realize how important it is to work as a team to raise our family. They may not see it now, but our daughters are so blessed to have such a strong female role model in their lives. She has stood by my side through thick or thin, led by example, and introduced me to God and our church.

I am so grateful for the amazing children that God has given us. Aislynn is our hard working 19-year-old that has had her fair share of struggles, but doesn’t let it stop her. She creates some of the most amazing artwork that I have ever seen. I cannot wait to see what this kid creates next. Her heart is always on her sleeve, ready to help anyone at a moment’s notice. She is funny and articulate and as sweet as they come.

Ashley is our 16-year-old that refuses to take no for an answer. She tackles everything she does with tenacity and passion. I would tell her that the sky is the limit, but that wouldn’t be good enough for her. Mark my words, she will end up on the moon or Mars. I’m certain of it. If not, she can always fall back on her amazing singing voice and fabulous stage presence. If not the moon, then she will definitely be among the stars, performing on Broadway.

Maddie is 8 going on 25. She is so intelligent, well-rounded, and has one of the sweetest souls of anyone I’ve ever met, with a contagious laugh that spreads like wildfire. Mo has big dreams and has already decided she will be an equestrian veterinarian. A career that will suit her just perfectly, just as long as she can overcome the fear of having to perform surgery. With a loving attitude and a huge heart, she will move mountains.

And then there is Laura. Sweet little 5-year-old Laura. This child is the firecracker that keeps us on our toes at all times. It is never a dull moment when she is around. Her love is ferocious and endless and crazy and amazing. She is funny to a fault and never misses an opportunity to perform a new dance number that she just made up. She is our baby, forever and always.

To be thankful goes beyond the trivial answers that we give during the holidays. It’s a state of mind and something that deserves our attention every single day. Setting aside a few moments to show gratitude for what we have, is imperative for a happy and joyful life. I wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving, a happy holiday, and the best every day.

With love and gratitude,

Ryan

While You Were in a Medically Induced Nap

Here we are again, back in the surgery wing at St. Luke’s hospital. I think this is number…I forget. Thankfully it’s a fairly simple procedure that had to wait until Sarah had fully healed from her previous surgeries. I’m much calmer this time around. Maybe it’s because I’m used to it by now or maybe it’s because I know it isn’t as serious as the others. Sarah seems much calmer as well. Then again, she is always as cool as a cucumber.

I do my usual thing and just try to make her laugh as much as possible before they take her back. I may not have a ton of great qualities, but I know I can bring a smile to her face. If she does have any fears, she sure as heck doesn’t show it. She’s as tough as they come and really sets the standard of what a woman should be. At least in my humble opinion. She works hard. Much harder than anyone I know. She’s driven to succeed, not only for herself, but for her family as well. She doesn’t claim to be oppressed by men, despite working in a vastly male dominated office. She’s the odd one out, but that doesn’t stop her from succeeding. She goes out and gets what she wants and doesn’t come back until it’s been obtained. She is way tougher than I am. And she makes it look easy. As I’ve tried filling some gaps at home while she works, I find myself questioning how she manages to do it all.

You often hear men being referred to as “pussies” and I don’t quite understand that connotation. The female genitalia is far stronger and can take one hell of a beating. Now, with men, if the wind blows it too hard, we’re keeled over in pain. It’s the weakest part of the male anatomy. It can’t even stand a change in temperature without shriveling back up into the body like a groundhog that just saw his shadow. If there were a derogatory term for someone not living up to their male potential, it should be “don’t be a nut-sack”.

Guys, women are stronger than us. Maybe not in a muscle kind of way, but you get the idea. They put up with so much of our crap, with nothing but style and grace. Their patience is unwavering. They are the backbone to every home. We work as a team, but we know who does the real work. They remember tiny details that us men would normally overlook. When I’m alone with the kids, we don’t even get out of our jammies and every meal is mac n’ cheese or corndogs. Not moms, though. They actually feed the kids fruit and make them bathe. Dad might be more fun, but mom keeps them alive.

I’m sure my views on women changed as I got older. I always respected them, but I never understood them like I do now. Bahahaha, just kidding. I still don’t understand them. All I know is, my life is surrounded by females. 5 to be exact. 6 if you count one of the dogs. They are all very different from one another. However, they all have one thing in common; they love fiercely and passionately. They are all warriors in their own right. They fight daily battles that us men can’t even begin to understand. I’m proud of all of the women in my life and happy for everything they have taught me about the world.

Fellas, listen to the women in your life. They ask for very little from us, but they give so much in return.

With gratitude,

Ryan

ego(Maniac)

People that tell you “they have your best interest at heart”, rarely do. I think it’s a very egotistical way of inserting yourself into someone else’s life. It’s demoralizing. It suggests that people can’t take care of themselves and they need your all-knowing advice to teach them. What qualifies this person to dish out advice? When it all blows up in my face, can I put the blame on them? Are they going to always be there to pick up the pieces?

People like to be heard. They like to share their experiences and educate you on what worked for them. The problem is, no two wounds are alike. And they all must be treated differently. Listening is quickly becoming a lost art. With the vast number of forums and comment sections on the internet, no one has to wait their turn. They can just spew whatever vitriol they feel fits the narrative. There is no civil discourse. It’s everyone standing on their soap boxes, screaming to be heard. No one stops to actually listen to what someone has to say. Not everyone needs saving. Some just need an ear so they can vent their frustrations.

Then there is that one person who decides you’re going to get their unsolicited advice, whether you like it or not. This might be one of the most obnoxiously annoying people to exist. I’m sure you know the type. They are usually very loud and know everything about everything. They’re nearly untouchable. They think that because they overcame a hurdle, means they are now qualified to tell you what to do with your dilemma. I try to keep in mind that these people aren’t as secure as they think they are. They need validation. They need people to tell them how smart and well versed they are. They gain strength and grow into a giant narcissistic blob, with every approving nod and thumbs up. They gain speed and traction and destroy everything in their path. When they are called out on their shenanigans, they play the victim.

These narcissists love to make you look good in public when there are other people around to hear them. Then behind closed doors they are mean and belittling. When you see them for their true colors, they feel they have to bring you back down. They can’t allow you to know too much about them. They don’t want you to see that they are flawed and powerless over their own lives, so they have to put on a façade for everyone to see. They’re fragile and weak. If they feel they are in danger of you revealing their secret, they will back themselves into a corner and become defensive.

Through therapy, I am learning to set boundaries. Toxic people just don’t have a place in my life. I will always accept a challenging view point. I certainly do not want everyone to think exactly as I do. However, if the only thing you bring to the table is increasing my anxiety, then please locate the nearest exit and see yourself out. I can rid myself of most people, but there’s always that one that finds a way to sneak back in. I suppose this is inevitable and just a way of life. I don’t want confrontation, but I also have no interest in carrying this around in my heart and mind.

With that being said, what is so attractive about someone with an incredibly inflated ego? What makes people hang on their every word and treat them as if they are the second coming of Christ? How can others not see them for what they really are? Or, maybe they do see them, but they long for a connection and they are drawn to them.

As I’ve mentioned before; if I write about what bothers me, sometimes that’s enough to rid my mind of the negativity. I go back and forth on which things deserve to be fully confronted and which things aren’t even worth a second thought. I must keep focused on what is truly important in my life and rid myself of what isn’t.

With gratitude,

Ryan

Spanking is Abuse

It’s a highly debated topic. To spank or not spank your children. There have been thousands of studies done for over 50 years on the effectiveness of spanking. All of them have concluded that it does little to teach any sort of lesson. In fact, it has quite the opposite effect. Children that have been spanked have much higher levels of aggression and break rules more often than those that aren’t spanked. Children can’t tell the difference between being spanked or being beaten. To them, it’s the same thing. They do not remember the reason for the corporal punishment, just that if they mess up, they are hit. Kids are associating pain with failure. They are learning fear, not trust. They will bottle their emotions and hide things from their parents because they are scared to come forward. They fear being physically hurt because of a poor choice or a mistake.

And yet, despite the overwhelming amount of evidence that explains this as plain as day, parents still mock the research and refuse to believe it. Even though there are no studies (at least nothing I could find) that found spanking to be a positive form or punishment. They often cite that “they were spanked and turned out fine”. I can’t help but laugh at this response. As if someone’s own opinion of themselves should take a higher precedence over half a century of research.

What is it about this research that the pro spankers find so implausible? Why is it refuted without so much as a thought? I think part of the reason they defend it, is because they know they’re wrong. They don’t want to admit how it makes them feel great shame. It’s not a hard concept to understand. When you deal with a problem with anger and aggression, you are also teaching this same behavior. Just because you think you turned out ok, doesn’t mean that every kid had the same outcome. You have to think outside of your own personal experiences and understand that this isn’t just about you and how you turned out.

I have not run my own research study by any means, but I have had a few people tell me of their stories. One of them being my wife, who was spanked on a regular basis, often with fly swatters or wooden spoons. One particular time she was punished with a wooden spoon for forgetting her socks at a neighbor’s house. In another instance the person was struck with a switch off of a tree, that she had to pick out herself. No matter how you spin it, this is abuse. The pernicious psychological impact it can have is far greater than the lesson you think you are teaching.

In my opinion, it’s a ridiculous practice that has a high chance of causing problems in your children later in life. I, personally, would feel great shame if I found out that my spanking my kids caused them any sort of distress in their adult life. Whether it be trust and anger issues, or an inability to make friends. We don’t spank or hit anyone else in our lives, so why would you do that to a developing child?

What works for us, is getting down to their level. Talking to them face to face. Explaining how what they did was wrong and then dish out a punishment. Ask them what they could have done differently. Direct them towards making better decisions the next time. We’re supposed to be teaching them how to deal with problems.

When you validate your child’s feelings and name their shame, bringing it to the surface, you instill trust and comfort. You let them know they are human and that it’s ok to make mistakes. That doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to be disciplined. Remember, kids have a hard time expressing themselves. Hell, so do a lot of adults. They get far more irritable when they are hungry or tired. How would spanking a child that is tired, benefit them or you? In the end, they are going to internalize their spanking and then correlate this with whatever emotion they were feeling at the time.

Before we met, my wife admitted that there were a few times that she had spanked her girls. She didn’t know any better because this is how she was raised. She felt awful each time and vowed to not discipline her kids in this manner ever again. She wanted her kids to always trust her, not fear her.

In conclusion, children respond far better to positive reinforcement than they do negative. I’m not saying you reward bad behavior. However, show them how to handle a problem by being a positive force in their life. This doesn’t mean you are raising soft kids. It means that you are teaching them patience and understanding by showing them respect. Afterall, this world is a cruel place. A little more love will go a long way.

With gratitude,

Ryan

As always, I welcome discussion and opinions.

For more information: https://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/132/5/e1118

(anti)Social Media

My little girls are 5 and 8. They play very well together and with other kids. They don’t understand how we’re all different. They don’t see religion or color or social background. All they see is potential fun with someone that’s roughly their size. They may argue, but it’s usually about what game to play or who gets to be which character in their make-believe world. It’s never about something as arbitrary as what the other person looks like.

They don’t understand borders and differences in countries around the world. When I tried explaining how women were treated in the Middle East, they looked at me like I had egg on my face. They asked, “why are women treated so poorly?” and “why do we have it so good here but they have it so bad there?” It was not an easy conversation. How do I explain that some religions and beliefs are different in other areas of the world, to a kindergartener that only understands God to be loving and forgiving?

We are failing as a society. We are so hellbent on making our kids stronger for the future, that we are neglecting to teach them compassion and understanding. The population as a whole, especially kids and young adults, spend an obscene amount of time plugged in and enslaved to their devices. It’s warping our minds and programming us to think the way they want us to think. We have given up our intellectual independence for “likes” and “shares”.

Imagine for a moment… you’ve just hit “post” on a funny picture or meme that you wanted to share. Almost immediately your phone starts to ring with the sound of little validating beeps. Each one is a “like” or a “comment” on your recent post. You turn your phone on and open up whatever social platform you are using. The little red bubble with the number inside at the top of your page is growing. People LIKED it! They LOVE what you have to say. You feel great. You’ve been approved by your peers. You go to bed with a smile on your face. By morning, your post has faded into the dark abyss of the internet and forgotten about before you could even have breakfast. Now, you want that high again. You need to feel that authentication. You try to come up with more witty and funny material, but it only gets 6 likes and your mom is one of them. You feel empty. But you can’t put the phone down. You might miss something.

Social media is destroying the very fabric of society. It’s tearing us apart at the seam. What was designed to help us stay connected with each other and share in all of life’s splendid moments, has turned into a nightmare. People are too comfortable behind their computer screen. The bullying is extensive and nonstop. And the parents are just as bad as the kids. Like many people, I find myself spending way too much time on social media. I frequently think about deleting all platforms entirely. It has become a cesspool of hate and arguing. It’s almost impossible to ignore. Then I justify keeping it so I can see all the good things that it offers. In reality, I’m missing out on all of the good things by being tethered to my phone or tablet.

One thing is for sure, I’m not going to allow my kids to visit these types of sites. Not because I don’t trust them, but rather I don’t trust the rest of the world. They are good kids and they are being raised with a moral compass. They will know how to treat their peers and how to have respect for their fellow man. FB, Insta, Snap…they’re all just breeding grounds for hate. And I cannot, in good conscience, allow that into my home.

With Gratitude,

Ryan

P.S. I realize the hypocrisy of this rant, considering there’s a link at the bottom to follow me on Facebook. We can’t all be perfect. 😉

My Struggle with Addiction

The past 7 months have been one of the hardest fought times of my life. It has also been full of learning and growth. My therapist has been integral part of this journey. She is teaching me to find happiness within, confront my shame and vulnerability, and love myself. My family has also played a major role in my recovery and improvement. For the first time, I feel truly committed to cultivating the best life for myself and those that I love the most. That’s not to say that I don’t battle every day.

During the darker moments late at night, when I feel the most alone and isolated, I turn to God. I pray for guidance and truth. I pray that those I may have wronged, can forgive me. I pray that my children will find peace though all of these trials and tribulations. I pray for my wife who has had to endure so much for so long. I pray for the nightly anxiety to subside so I can get some sleep. I’m not sure if any of it works, but I figure it’s worth a try.

It’s been 3 weeks since I started down my path to sobriety. And it’s been going great. I feel like a different person. This is the least amount of alcohol I’ve had since before I was 21. I’ve spent nearly 15 years, drinking almost every single night. And most of those nights I drank in excess.

“The chains of alcohol are too light to be felt until they are too strong to be broken” –Anonymous

I rarely ever drank at home. If I did, it was with dinner or if we were having company. I preferred to just go to the bar late at night after everyone went to sleep. I was not only addicted to alcohol, but also to a community of people that I could hang out with and have some laughs or watch whatever game was on tv. I needed to feel that belonging and acceptance. My marriage was suffering. I was in constant pain. I had zero motivation or desire to do anything. The bar was my escape. And it was destroying every facet of my life.

It took a friend that bar tends where I frequented, to stand up and say that he was no longer going to serve me. He said he would not assist in my suicide. That was my eye opener. I’ve had a million reasons to stop, but for whatever reason, this is what did it. He and I aren’t even particularly close, but he stepped up where very few had before. I’ve been able to stop going out and get my anxiety under control. At one point, I was out drinking 7 nights a week. I was in a perpetual hangover, day after day. It affected my mood and my relationship with my family.

The bar decided upon themselves to put me on a limit. 3 beers a night. I understand why they decided to do this, but I also do not like to be treated like a child. I have a real problem with people that are regularly intoxicated, telling me what I can and can’t drink. It doesn’t solve my problem. It only made me angry and want to go somewhere else. They could wash their hands of it, and I could continue to do as I did before.

I found myself spending more time worrying about how I was going to convince the bartenders to lift their ban, than I was focusing on not drinking. I had to use the recent tools I had gained to confront my shame and find my courage to beat this demon.

This was going to take more than just going to a few AA meetings or some other support group, which I had tried. Admittedly, I didn’t give it much of a chance, but I just never felt the connection. The problem I was faced with was rooted much deeper than I had ever thought. I come from a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts. I’m unemployed and dangerously obese with a bad back and bad knees. My wife is at her wits end. I have no career path. No money. No accomplishments. I had no pride in myself. I was a shell of what I used to be and felt as though I was fading into oblivion.

I believe that most addicts fail at getting sober because they aren’t confronting the right problem. The addiction is the obvious one, but what caused them to start down that path to begin with? Confronting what causes their shame and repairing from within should be the first step. If you do not feel any value in yourself, how can you quit the thing that fills that void? Drugs and alcohol are replacements for getting true help.

Once I learned to love myself, I was able to repair other areas of my life. I still have a lot of work to do, but I can now do so with more confidence. I’m still ashamed by my weight and the way it makes me feel. It’s embarrassing. At least I now have more energy to attack these goals and get my life back on track.

“Only when an addict learns to love himself will he feel he’s worth changing.”
― Toni Sorenson

If you have read this far, please keep something in mind: people don’t set out to become an addict. No one wakes up one day and decides to become dependent on something that will take all of their money, steal their youth, rid them of every true friend and family member, and put their life at risk. That’s not how it happens. It’s a problem that existed before the drugs and they made a poor choice in order to stop the pain. I ask you all to please have compassion and understanding. I know it’s a hard concept for most people, but these are people, too. They have families that love them. They once had dreams just like you. Now, all they want is to feel some sort of peace. If you know one, help them. Help them find their courage.

With Gratitude,

Ryan

I Can Think For Myself, Thank You Very Much.

I often wonder where our fascination with celebrities comes from. Why do we care so much about what these people do in their free time? No judgement here. I’m guilty of it as well. I have a room full of autographed sports memorabilia. More so than just looking up to an athlete or musician. More than just idolizing what these people do on the field or stage. I’m talking about how we let them speak for us. The way we put them on pedestals, all because they can throw a ball or give a stunning performance in this year’s blockbuster.

Hollywood is full of hypocrisy. Do as I say, not as I do. They’re on the front of every magazine and on every talk show. And we line up to be the first to see them and read about them. I know that in the basic form, it’s all about money. The editor for Cosmo isn’t exactly interested in doing a story on Ryan from small town Michigan. I think the answer goes beyond just money. There’s an atmosphere about it that almost resembles addiction. Obsession and addiction aren’t far off from one another. However, can you be addicted to celebrity news and gossip?

What I’ve been seeing lately are movies and television series that are all about surviving a celebrity rape or assault. From R. Kelly to the late Michael Jackson. The NFL has been plagued with physical assault cases for years now. It’s full of men who have beaten women they claim to love. Convicted murderers and animal abusers seem to be the norm. Even those like O.J. Simpson, who may not have been found guilty, but we all know better. The list goes on. And most of these Hollywood and athletic “elites” get away with it. They are issued a fine or kicked off of a team, only to get picked up by another.

These are the people we idolize? This just doesn’t make sense to me. None of it. They’ve mucked up the waters and try to influence us, as if what they have to say should be taken as gospel. It’s difficult for me to listen to millionaires tell me who I should vote for. They live in gated communities with their property surrounded by a 12-foot wall and tell us we shouldn’t build one at the border because it’s “racist”. They travel with armed security, but think we should give up our guns. I lost count at the number of actors that I hear about being anti-gun, but every movie they make, you can find them shooting one.

The current journey I am on, doesn’t allow for such things to occupy my brain space. I have found if I write it, I get rid of it. I’m in search of peace and joy and happiness and love. My children are my life. My wife is my rock. That’s where I put my focus. And I encourage them, as well as anyone, to think for yourself. Never let anyone dictate how you should feel.

With gratitude,

Ryan

Fatherhood

Anyone that knows me, knows that I love my kids more than life itself. I feel as though I have failed in many areas, but not in fatherhood. I’m a great dad. I wear it as a badge of honor. I’m proud of that accomplishment. It feels second nature to me. It’s not a hard concept. Play with them, feed them, hold them when they cry, teach them, talk to them on their level, be stern when needed, but do so with love and compassion. That’s not to say that parenting is easy. It’s certainly not for the faint of heart. It’s exhausting and painful. It is unrewarding and often times feels like too much to handle.

Last night, all of us went in separate directions with various activities. With 4 kids, this tends to happen a lot. The 16-year-old had a choir concert at the school, so mom and the 5-year-old went to that. I love seeing her perform, but it gets so packed and it’s hard to get all of us into the small auditorium. The oldest kid was off having dinner with her grandparents after helping with some chores at their house. I decided to take my 8-year-old out for a little 1 on 1 daddy/daughter time.

Ever since my wife was battling cancer, Mo (8) sees a school counselor once a week, sometimes every other week. She really enjoys it. Gives her someone to talk to without fear. The counselor then will relay messages to us as she sees fit. Yesterday we received an email with a status update. She said that our daughter was definitely holding on to a lot of stress and suggested that we keep things as positive for her as possible. She tends to hold everything back and bury it down deep. Occasionally, I can get her to open up. I figured a little dinner with just the two of us would help.

This kid never surprises me. She’s so smart and articulate. A beautiful soul that loves daringly and cares deeply. After we ordered our dinner, I asked her what has been on her mind. I asked her what she was scared of and what bothered her. Usually, I have to drag it out of her, but she was open from the get go. She is afraid that my wife and I are going to get a divorce. Things have been tough recently, but we are working diligently to make everything work and keep this family together. What she said next, I wasn’t prepared for. She told me she was scared that because of my health problems (knee, back, weight) that I was going to die soon. This was like a shotgun blast to the chest and it totally caught me off guard.

All of a sudden, I’m realizing that maybe I’m not being the best dad I can be. I’m not making my health a priority. The drinking and late nights out have caught up with me. My health has deteriorated in the last two years. I’ve gained a devastating amount of weight. I was going to be dead by 40 if I didn’t start making the necessary changes now. If not for myself, then for my daughters.

After assuring my daughter that I was already taking steps to get healthier and that I wasn’t going anywhere for a very long time, we were able to have some laughs and enjoy our meal.

On the way home we stopped at the grocery store for a couple of quick items and then hurry home to hear about everyone else’s evening. Back in the car, I asked Mo if she was interested in eating healthier with me, which meant getting rid of all processed foods and snacks, like chicken nuggets, corn dogs (her favorite), chips, and sweets. She said “will that help you get healthy and keep you here with me?” I told her it would. She responded, “then of course I will, daddy. Those things are all wants, not needs. And I NEED you.” Talk about an amazing kid.

She brought tears to my eyes. And not just because of how sad it made me feel that she was carrying all of this in her heart, but because of how incredibly proud I am of her and how much she cares for others. Her intellect and understanding are far greater than that of most adults I know. Now, I just fear that this world will ruin her. It’s a cruel place full of cold-hearted and mean people. I will do my best to encourage her to always stay focused, keep being brave and courageous, and to never let anyone attempt to steal her light.

As adults, it is our responsibility to protect our kids, develop their brains, and prepare them for adulthood. I’m quickly learning that if you pay close attention, it’s our children that teach us far more than we deserve.

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