Category Archives: Thoughts

Gratitude

As I move along this path to self-discovery, I’m deeply exploring my vulnerability and courage. I’ve always thought they were polar opposites of each other. I understood courage to be what someone would use to stand up to their vulnerability and overcome it. As I learn and grow, I have found that they are more like best friends that live next door to each other. At my most vulnerable moments, it was actually courage that got me through it. Vulnerability was sitting with my wife during her chemo and discussing possible outcomes of her disease. Recently, I had to admit to a friend that I had betrayed his trust. Quitting a job for a better opportunity, that would end up in failure. Putting down the drink and admitting to my family and friends that I was addicted to alcohol. All of these things left me feeling vulnerable and even shameful. It wasn’t until much later that I learned this was also courage. Courage is what got me through all of those moments. You can’t have courage without vulnerability. It takes strength to be vulnerable.

Why are we so afraid to show our vulnerability? Why do we build walls to hide ourselves? I think it’s because we are afraid. We’re scared of rejection and hurt. We care what people think of us, no matter how many times we say that we don’t. Because we all want connection. We all want to be accepted and loved. If we let our guard down, then we open ourselves to pain and rejection. Love is vulnerability. Love is courage. Some would rather choose to never love so they never have to feel that pain. I just don’t think that’s a life worth living. Everyone will know loss at some point. It’s inevitable. Coming to grips with your vulnerability and embracing it, is the only way to navigate this journey.

I’m still learning how to do such things. Being open and honest with myself was the first major step I had to take. If I can’t come clean with myself, then I’m wasting my time and everyone else’s time that is trying to help. Seeing a counselor each week has helped me tremendously. She has been a crucial element on this journey. I’m also learning to give my stresses and worries to God. This has been particularly tough for me. I don’t know how to pass this along to someone else. I don’t know how to just stop thinking about what bothers me most. I don’t think it’s possible, but it is possible to practice gratitude. I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to rid my personal space of clutter. Just as I am trying to do the same in my brain. Pushing out the extra things that I don’t have control over or that which I don’t need. Being grateful for everything I have in my life, because I am truly blessed.

I mentioned God before. This is a very new concept to me. I’ve always disliked organized religion and refused to step foot in a church. I felt God had never been there for me or he had left me a long time ago. It wasn’t until my wife was diagnosed with cancer that I started attending church with her each week. It started to all make sense. I’m not sure if I get into the whole bible thing or if I even believe in Jesus Christ. However, what I have found is a community of positive people that have my best interest at heart. Even with thousands of members in their congregation, they always have time for me. There’s always someone to listen or help. I started to really embrace the church. I had so much gratitude for my new found faith and family. I truly look forward to going each week. I feel it helps to keep me grounded and reminds me to keep practicing gratitude.

As I struggle with addiction, I go back and forth on whether or not I’m addicted to the alcohol or the community. I rarely ever drink at home. The occasional beer while I’m out grilling or maybe some wine with dinner. I never seem to crave it at any point. As my life seems to deteriorate around me, I long for that group feeling. So, I go to the bar. It’s always full of people that I know that all want to have some fun. We’re likely all battling some inner turmoil and have chosen the bar to “get away from it all”. After all, alcohol is a great suppressor of pain and suffering, whether it’s physical or mental. Making the change to get out of the bar and get sober, will help to improve the other areas of my life. I can’t lose weight if I’m drinking every night. I can’t fix my marriage or be a better father if I am out binging until 3am. And no one can do it for me. I have to be strong enough to be vulnerable and have the courage to tackle these demons. I am more than my problems. I am better than this and I will prevail so I may know true joy and happiness.

Depression and anxiety consume my life on the daily. Most days I wake with a lump in my throat and it doesn’t subside until I get to the bar and have my first beer and a shot of whiskey. Unfortunately, it’s only a band aide and not a solution. Actually, it makes my life far worse. I was stuck in a vicious cycle of destruction. My antidepressants didn’t work well because they were constantly mixing with alcohol, negating their effect and usefulness. My brain needed a reward. I tried fulfilling that by drinking, smoking, shopping, eating, and anything else that I thought made me happy. None of it helped. Nothing made me happy. This was no life.

So, here I am. Its 4am on Thursday October 17th. I haven’t been able to get to sleep at a decent hour. Most likely because my body is used to having alcohol course though it. It’s only been 4 days, but that’s the longest I’ve gone without a drink in a very long time. I have to set boundaries in certain areas of my life because I’m afraid they will trigger me. Certain people in my life say they are here to help me, but they drink too much themselves. I don’t think I can be around alcohol just yet. Maybe it will only be temporary. Maybe sobriety will suit me better. As for now, I’m just going to do what I have to do for me. I have to cast fear into the fire and get myself straight.

With gratitude,

Ryan

McFatty

Is anyone else getting sick of all the crazy food combinations that seem to be all the rage these days? It’s impossible to ignore. I feel like it all started with bacon. I mean, bacon is delicious. It always has been. But it got to be such a fad, that I almost (almost) got sick of it. Bacon was in/on everything. Then came pork belly and other variations. It was getting out of control! Just google “bacon recipes” if you don’t believe me. It will yield 269,000,000 recipes! There aren’t even half as many broccoli recipes.

With the internet, there are endless ways to get people to follow you. One of those ways is with food. Usually some sort of gigantic something covered in cheese. I was first in line to share those videos and search where I could find such glorious morsels of food. These culinary bastardizations needed to be in front of me and ready to clog up some arteries. It was this type of thinking that has led me down a dangerous path and right into morbid obesity and Type II Diabetes. I’m chock full of health problems, from high blood pressure to crippling back pain that keeps me from working. I battle depression, constant anxiety, and alcohol addiction. Not many people know what I struggle with. I’m the funny guy. I mask it well.

A few weeks ago, someone on a food forum posted a picture of some sort of fried donut, wrapped in bacon and blah blah blah…you get the idea. One of the comments said, “This looks aggressively American”. It was those 2 words that have really stuck with me. Is that what we have become? Other countries see us as nothing but fat slobs. We fight for all sorts of freedoms, but we don’t fight to be healthier. We get behind our computers and argue until we’re blue in the face over things that we have no control over. We buy guns by the truckload in case we ever have to defend the home front. In case a war is ever fought on American soil, we’ll be ready for it! Except we won’t be. Because we can’t run or climb or swim or jog or anything, because we are carrying 100lbs of extra weight around. We aren’t a nation that is war ready. We’re recliner ready at best. Our population now consists of more people overweight than not. A staggering 71.6% of adults over 20 years old, are overweight or obese.

We’ve just accepted this lifestyle. We actually laugh at people that have decided to eat and live healthier. We make fun of vegans and vegetarians and workout enthusiasts. Ok, maybe YOU don’t, but plenty do. And our kids are being raised this way as well. They see the same horrific food. They are addicted at an early age to sugar and high fructose corn syrup. They crave pop and sugar packed juices. They only want to eat fried chicken nuggets and boxed mac ‘n’ cheese. Fruits and veggies are like poison. Parents are trying to find ways to sneak and disguise healthy food into their child’s diet.

It’s hard to get away from it. Every fast food restaurant is projecting some sort of extremely unhealthy and fattening item on tv and the internet. It’s an epidemic with no clear end in sight. Obesity is second only to tobacco use, for preventable death in the US. And back in the 90’s they made it illegal to advertise the sale of cigarettes on billboards and tv. And it worked. Tobacco sales have had a major decline over the years from around 42% down to under 20% since the 60’s. We need that type of commitment to the obesity problem. It has to start in the home. And it has to start with us taking responsibility for what we put in our bodies. As much as I would love to see a change in menu items at fast food restaurants, I understand that greed is vastly more important to those that run these places, than doing what’s right.

I don’t know about any of you, but I’m really sick of being fat. I’m sick of staring at my TV, because I have no energy to do even the most minimal activity. I’m sick of being out of breath after putting on my jeans. I’m sick of the chronic knee and back pain. I caused this. No one else. No one forced that double cheeseburger down my throat. I just question what the hell is in that food that makes it so desirable and addictive? The evidence that fast food is addictive, is pretty limited. Many believe it to be a psychological dependence. Especially in those that are already obese or those that suffer from depression. Food, especially unhealthy food, is often used as a reward. I’m not saying we should force companies to abide by some crazy laws like they have in New York that won’t allow you to order a pop over a certain size. I still believe everyone should have a choice to do whatever it is they want, as long as it isn’t hurting anyone else. I would like to just see more healthy options.

As always, all input is welcome.