This life can seriously fuck right off. Nothing you do matters, nor does anyone give 2 shits. People don’t want you to grow, they just want you to fit into their preconceived notions of what you should be. They have expectations and when you don’t meet them, you are cast aside like yesterday’s garbage. They say they have your back and will be there through everything good or bad, but it’s a fucking lie. This society doesn’t want to put the work in to fix anything. Why fix what’s broke when you can just trash it and get something new?! No one considers what someone else is going through. Empathy and sympathy have left the building and they took kindness and love with them. Some of us just weren’t meant for this world. It’s a cruel and desolate existence and then you die.
So Tired.
June 2nd, 2021
This past March 15th was a year since the last time I sat down to write. That’s 444 days since I wrote out my thoughts or shared my struggles. My life has been turned upside down in that short amount of time. I live everyday in my own personal hell.
First the world was brought to its knees by the virus known as Covid-19 or Coronavirus, originating in China and quickly sweeping every corner of the world with a current death toll of 3.68 million people. It’s caused mass panic, with shortages on hand sanitizer, toilet paper, masks, etc. We were so unprepared for this pandemic. Schools and businesses shut their doors. Many restaurants couldn’t survive the stay-at-home orders and had to close for good. We’ve had to learn to live in a very different way.
Next, I found out my wife filed for divorce. I don’t really blame her, but I’m still angry about it. My depression and alcoholism finally pushed her over the edge. I needed/need help and felt like she was tossing me aside, but I can only fathom how hard it must have been for her to get to that point. I still love her more than life itself. She’s an amazing woman that I took advantage of. I even managed to stop drinking for over 100 days, but still managed to fall off the wagon and fall back into my old ways.
During all of this, I found woodworking and have made a nice little side business with it. I was able to buy all our kids Christmas presents with my profits. It felt good to contribute again.
If you remember, my sister had been fighting cancer since Christmas 2019. In May 2020, she was told the chemo was working and with radiation, she may be able to beat it. On August 26th, 2020, Kellyn’s life was cut short. The cancer had returned and this time it was in her brain. There was nothing the doctors could do. This alone, has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. My baby sister gone at 31 years old. Our family, friends, and anyone that knew her, have been absolutely devastated. I miss her and struggle with her absence every single day. Not a moment goes by that I don’t mourn her loss. Just typing this has brought me to tears.
The holidays were hard this year. Our daughters miss her so much and have had a really hard time processing their grief. Because of all of this, Sarah held off on pushing the divorce through. As much as I appreciated that, it only delayed the inevitable. I tried to prove myself to her, but it wasn’t good enough. The divorce was finalized just a few weeks ago. We are still living together until I can find a place and get myself together. The problem is, I feel like I’m buried deep below the surface and I must figure out how to dig myself out before I can even attempt the climb up the mountain.
I would be lying if I said I haven’t thought about ending it all. Thing is, I don’t want to die, but I’m tired. I’m tired of being in pain and feeling this way. I’m exhausted from this constant fog and overworked brain. I feel like a shell of my former self. I can’t stand for more than a few minutes because of back pain, most likely from carrying so much extra weight up front. I don’t sleep well. I’m dead broke. Can’t find work that I’m capable of doing without shear pain. I’m closing in on 400lbs. I’ve never been so uncomfortable, and I just don’t want to do it anymore. However, I’ll keep plugging along for my little girls.
This brings me to right now. Finally able to go to a coffee house and write. Able to break away from the mundane and try to find some semblance of life 444 days ago. This is going to be all new territory for me and I’m dreading every single moment of it.
Help.
Desolate
I have not written a line
Since this pause in time
I struggle to see
What has become of me
What seemed so great
Is now too late
I was wasted away
Now my soul will pay
No truth to be found
Sadness abounds
At the bottom I weep
The climb to steep
I did this before
But I can do no more
Only myself to blame
As I carry this shame
Deep into the abyss
No one will miss
No one pulling from above
Too rotten to love
Desolate and bare
A fate unfair
You Can't Catch Being Gay, Karen!*
Disney has really done it this time. As if their attempt to take over the entertainment world wasn’t enough, they are now introducing the first ever openly gay character in the company’s history. *Gasp*. How dare they ruin our beloved cartoons with such filth?! I can already hear the screams of old white people. This will surely be the nail in the coffin for our civilization. We must rise up against this house of mouse.
As you can imagine, with Disney making this announcement, society decided to rear its ugly bigoted head and spew hate and ignorance all over the internet. This will likely spill into white “Christian” homes where the neighborhood moms will gather for wine/book/ignore-my-kids night on “Karen’s” veranda, complete with tiki torches and candles with the words Live, Love, and Laugh inscribed on each one, respectively. Welcome to American suburbia. Inside you will find casual racism and a general disgust for anything that doesn’t think, act, or love the same way they do.
None of this is new, nor does it even shock me. Maybe it’s my naiveite or hopefulness that by 2020 we would be living in a more accepted society. The thing is, what you believe or what someone else believes, makes no difference to either party. You’re welcome to have your convictions as long as it doesn’t interfere with someone else’s.
It is human nature to desire acceptance and inclusion. We are all looking for that special connection to the world where we are free to be ourselves without the fear of admonishment and ridicule. These are basic human needs that we all deserve.
“White privilege” is a fairly new term that has been concocted and overused in the last couple of years. Personally, I can’t stand the phrase, and not because I’m a straight white male, but rather because it addresses a cultural problem with a negative connotation. This causes people to immediately go on the defense before the conversation even begins.
Our culture relies heavily on social media to keep us informed and in touch with the world, from the safety of our own toilet. Think about that for a moment; we don’t break from the arguing and constant bombardment of political trash talk and horrendous news stories, to take a poop. That is how tethered we have become to our devices. This has led to people feeling much more comfortable with how they talk to others. Being behind a screen provides a lot of protection to the would-be bully. These types of arguments don’t happen in the real world, because if they did, a lot more people would end up getting punched in the mouth. There is no civil discourse on the net and morality has been checked at the door.
When we see something on TV or a movie, like 2 people of the same gender kissing or having sex, it’s ok to feel uncomfortable. You don’t have to like it, because that wasn’t the intention. It’s not for you. Every single other scene of love and affection since the dawn of television, has been for you. Congratulations, you’re experiencing diversity.
It is completely acceptable to disagree with how other’s love, pray, eat, work, or play. You have that right, and so do they. It is not your job to go out in the streets and protest for equal rights. You are not required to do any such activity. However, you do have to accept that everyone has the freedom to live their life the way they choose to live.
** “Karen” is simply a personality trait and does not reflect my views on anyone actually named Karen. I’m sure you’re all fantastic people, when you’re not demanding more lemon water from your server.
Everything is Going to Be OK
Well, here we are folks, quarantined and forced to stay home from all restaurants, bars, and public events and spaces. Matters will likely get worse before they get better. I can’t help but to think that maybe this will help all of us recognize how much we take for granted and to become more grateful for the amazing life that we’ve been given. There’s a silver lining here, I’m positive of it.
Before the closures become a real thing at 9pm, I figured I better get my coffee fix in at my usual spot. I’m the only person here, as I kind of expected. The adjoining stores and eateries all around, which are normally teeming with people, are vastly empty and barren. The roadways look like Christmas morning or something out of a zombie flick. It’s eerily quiet for a late Sunday afternoon, with the sun shining and the weight of seasonal depression lightening. Just as people are starting to get outside again, we are forced back in. It’s like Punxsutawney Phil had an evil trick up his furry little sleeve.
The last thing any of us should do, is panic. We will get through this. This is all new territory for everyone, so we must exercise patience and understanding. No one alive in the United States and most of the world, has ever dealt with something of this nature and magnitude. Arguing over what politician did or didn’t do, is not only pointless, but also a waste of time. Let’s put these brain cells to good use and be part of the solution.
Life is uncertain right now as we navigate through troubled waters. I assure you that these closures are completely necessary. Check your conspiracy theories at the door or trade them for some logic. This isn’t a political stunt, the lizard people aren’t coming for you, and you can rest assured that everyone is doing everything they can to make this as quick and painless as possible. No one benefits from shutting down the entire country. No one.
To get through this, we all need to stay positive and remind ourselves that this too shall pass. We have extra time with our kids to play games and eat dinner as a family. We are very fortunate to have everything that we do, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t stressed to the max. What we do with that stress and how we handle it, is what will determine how we get through it.
I wish you all the best and pray that this event is over sooner, rather than later. Stay healthy, wash your hands, and drink some bourbon. That’s an order.
Wherefore is Mine Own Pen Hath Lost…
Do any of my fellow writers have a pen or pencil that you just absolutely adore? It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive. Personally, I never leave home without my Zebra F-701. It’s an all steel-body pen with a notched grip and metal ink cartridges. For a few extra dollars you can swap out the standard cartridge and replace it with a Fisher Space Pen refill. You know the one; it writes upside down, under water, below zero, or even in extreme heat. I like it for its balance, durability, and precision.
I read a report years ago that said one of the dirtiest items you’ll come into contact with, is a restaurant server’s pen or any publicly used writing device for that matter. Just think of where the hands that touched that….blech. I can’t even finish that thought. So gross.
Today, I was visiting my daughter’s school for the annual Dads Day. At some point, I lost my beloved writing tool. I didn’t even notice it was gone right away, but it didn’t take long to realize it, since I’m constantly jotting down ideas and thoughts. I went into a slight panic, which really wasn’t necessary considering there is an Office Max about 300 yards from my current position. For 7 bucks, I can replace it. Except, I didn’t want to just replace it. I wanted my note taker back.
I don’t see this as just another pen. We’ve been through a lot together and it’s the only thing between the paper and my thoughts. If it had a brain and could comprehend what it wrote, it would know more about me than any person on this planet. It has seen my highest highs and lowest lows, never judging or laughing. It just does exactly what it’s suppose to do; give me a voice and an outlet for my happiness, depression, anger, and solitude. This isn’t just a pen, it’s a weapon and an instrument and a magical wand that can take you places you’ve only ever dreamt of, like Cleveland.
So, you can picture my dilemma. I had already left the school and had just sat down at a coffee shop to do some work. It wasn’t clipped to my shirt, nor was it in my back pocket. I even searched the car, but came up with nothing. I went back to my coffee and pulled out one of my other 12 inferior pens. These things don’t know me at all. They are simply here for emergency purposes or if someone needs to borrow one because they are ill-prepared.
I actually hated the thought that someone would find my pen and not know what they had and they certainly wouldn’t appreciate its value. It would likely end up in some little kid’s bookbag or into one of those pencil cases with all the broken crayons and markers that leak everywhere. Oh, the humanity! My poor pen is out there in the world somewhere, wondering why I had abandoned it. For shame. For shame.
I decide I can’t just let this go. I call up to the school and I explain that it is of great urgency that I speak with my daughter immediately. I quickly explain my awful situation. The secretary said she completely understands the importance and transfers me posthaste. Once my little one is on the line, I tell her of my urgent matter. She giggles on the other end of the phone call, ignoring my strife. She says “Dad, calm down. I found your pen and I put it in your tool bag (We were working on a project in which I had to bring in some tools). I was going to bring it home with me, but I didn’t want you spazzing out, like you are clearly doing anyways.” I want to be mad at her for being such a smartass, but she saved my pen from ending up in a (*Gasp*) junk drawer. She will be rewarded later this evening.
I spring from my chair in the café and like a very slow-moving lightning bolt with asthma, I run to the parking lot, keys in one hand, and my inhaler in the other. I click the button to unlock the car and tear open the passenger door. There on the crumb filled car seat, is my small black bag, with an old Cincinnati Reds keychain in place of the zipper’s pull tab. I rip open the bag with reckless abandon and quickly start rummaging through the contents. There it is, shining from the bottom of the canvas bin. It was glowing brightly as if to say “Hello there!”. My dread quickly fades and turns to great jubilation.
Once I’m back inside, I take my seat and reach for my hand sanitizer with aloe and gently bathe my little inscriber of any possible horridness that might emanate in a 3rd grade classroom, like Coronavirus or Cooties.
Everything is right again. We’re reunited and ready to begin our next adventure!
P.S. Wash your damn hands!
L O L
Alone in your car
Windows up
On a Bluetooth call
Oblivious to the world
I watched with intrigue
As you laughed
And couldn’t contain it
Your heart was beaming
Genuine and true
Blissfully crying
Carelessly happy
I imagined your laugh
and heard your joy
I wished it was me
And wondered to myself
How can I be
That happy
My Sister’s Cancer Battle
Hey folks, I try to keep this sort of thing off of my pages, but our family, specifically my sister Kellyn, needs as much help as she can get. On Christmas day, she was diagnosed with Stage 4B Cervical Cancer. It has spread to her lymph nodes and lungs as well. As I’m sure you all know, it’s very expensive to be sick in this country. She has had to leave her job, as well as her husband having to cut his hours back in order to take care of his wife.
My sister is a strong woman and is fighting for her life every single day. We are asking for donations to help ease their burdens and reduce some of the insane medical debt that she’s already incurred in less than 2 months.
Thank you all in advance and God Bless.
Love,
Ryan Nadolny
Living a Nightmare
When I talk to my friends that don’t have kids, I try to avoid the phrase “you can’t understand because you’re not a parent”, or some variation of it. It sets a negative connotation and implies that they are incapable of having deep feelings about someone or something they love. However, every parent knows; the biological connection you have to your children is like no other emotion or feeling you’ve ever had. It’s a bond that is difficult to put into words. It’s kind of like being overwhelmed by ocean waves that keep pushing you under the surface. Except instead of it being water that’s trying to drown you, it’s a sensation of relentless love and responsibility. Nothing in life is more important than the well-being of your child. Whether it be mental or physical, their comfort and security is a matter of the utmost importance. Simply put, there is nothing you wouldn’t do for them.
On Superbowl Sunday, we were busy getting ready for a small party of friends and family to come over and watch the game. Our little girls were outside playing on our quiet and traffic free dead-end street, one on her bike and the other on a scooter. We were keeping an eye on them and had already given them a 5-minute warning before they had to come inside and get cleaned up.
Mom was in the kitchen and I was busy searching for the constantly missing remote control. As I passed by the front door, I noticed the scooter was flipped upside down, but I didn’t think anything of it. The girls were out of my line of sight. Next, I heard faint screaming and our 16-year-old telling us that the kids were yelling. My wife came around the corner and went out the front door to inspect. I heard her yell my name in a state of panic. I looked up through the front window of the house to see Maddie lying on the ground motionless. I made a dash to the door, expecting my wife to tell me she had skinned her leg or maybe broken a bone. She started to scream for me to call 911 because she was unresponsive.
I sprinted across the yard to the street, attempting to dial 911, and assess the situation. When I got to Maddie’s side, her eyes were rolled into the back of her head and she wasn’t waking up. Sarah continued to call out her name and try to get a response. At this point, I am absolutely frantic. I could hear my own heart beating. It’s hard to keep your composure and give details to an emergency dispatcher while seeing your first-born child lying lifelessly on the concrete.
Maddie finally opened her eyes and started to slowly come around. She looked very confused and disoriented. It was a momentary sigh of relief, as we still weren’t out the woods yet. She was complaining that her spine hurt. I laid on my stomach and took Maddie’s hand while Sarah stood over her and held her head straight until paramedics got there. It felt like an eternity, even though they were there within a few minutes. I asked Mo to squeeze my finger, which she firmly did, and then refused to let go. She was also able to wiggle her toes and feet. All great signs so far. Thankfully, she was wearing her helmet, so there did not appear to be any trauma to the head.
The paramedics arrived and quickly went into action. In addition to them, there were 3 cop cars and a second fire unit. It probably looked like a bit of overkill from the neighbor’s point of view, but it made me feel better that we had the entire emergency response team in Lambertville right in front of our house.
Maddie was put into a neck brace and thoroughly looked over. They loaded her into the ambulance to get her out of the cold and finish checking her out. Thankfully, one of the paramedics let me climb in with her to help keep her calm and relaxed. I told her I would never leave her side, no matter what.
After a few minutes of observation and passing all of their tests, they concluded that she likely just had the wind knocked out of her and her body went into a ‘reset’ mode. Her blood pressure, heart rate, and oxygen levels were all right where they should be, as well as her lungs sounding perfect. They examined her back and couldn’t find any contusions or anything out of place. Thank God!
I would like to take a moment to give huge props and a thank you to the amazing 911 dispatcher for his composure and steadfast support. These folks do not get enough credit for the job they do. Considering the majority of people they talk to on a daily basis, are ones that are experiencing terrible and even life threatening problems. Your invaluable work has not gone unnoticed.
To the first responders; thank you for your quick actions and for keeping our Maddie-Mo comfortable and safe. Your reassurance and knowledge were so very helpful in putting all of our minds at ease and allowing us to start breathing again.
Later in the evening as I was reflecting on the day, I couldn’t help but be extremely thankful for the family I have been blessed with. Everyone did their part to make sure Maddie was tended to properly. Laura screaming for help, Aislynn bringing Mo a blanket, Ashley making calls to other family members and then taking care of Laura, and my wife for remaining composed and holding our little one’s head from moving around. Everyone made me very proud that day.
We kept Maddie home the next day and let her get some extra rest. She is doing well and you wouldn’t even know there was a problem. This all could’ve been so much worse; had she not been wearing her helmet. I know kids don’t like to wear them, but please don’t let them do these sorts of activities without one. It could easily be the difference between life and death or paralysis.
Alcohol cures the pain, but exacerbates the suffering.
(un)Phased 