What does it really mean to be thankful? We hear everyone ask this question around this time of year, but it doesn’t seem to be a discussion during the remaining months. And the answers always seem so cliché and almost rehearsed. Does anyone take the time to truly think about what gives them thanks? Or, are we just so engrossed by all the “things” in our life, that we lose sight of what really matters?
I’m always thankful for my family. And not just because that’s the easy answer. They are what gives me the most joy and happiness. Family has been the constant in my life that has always lifted me up and gotten me through some of my hardest fought battles. We try to find something positive in every single day. Around the dinner table, after we say grace, we go from person to person and everyone gets their chance to regale each other with the best thing that happened to them that day. Even on our worst days, we find at least one good thing that occurred. It’s usually then followed up by one of our daughters pretending to be a velociraptor or telling a joke they heard in school. We laugh. We share. We delight in each other.
I’m extremely thankful for an amazing wife that has never let us down. I thank God every day for giving her the strength to beat cancer and keep her with us. She works so incredibly hard to make sure we have everything we need. Often times at the mercy of her own sanity. I’m thankful for the chance to grow as a person and realize how important it is to work as a team to raise our family. They may not see it now, but our daughters are so blessed to have such a strong female role model in their lives. She has stood by my side through thick or thin, led by example, and introduced me to God and our church.
I am so grateful for the amazing children that God has given us. Aislynn is our hard working 19-year-old that has had her fair share of struggles, but doesn’t let it stop her. She creates some of the most amazing artwork that I have ever seen. I cannot wait to see what this kid creates next. Her heart is always on her sleeve, ready to help anyone at a moment’s notice. She is funny and articulate and as sweet as they come.
Ashley is our 16-year-old that refuses to take no for an answer. She tackles everything she does with tenacity and passion. I would tell her that the sky is the limit, but that wouldn’t be good enough for her. Mark my words, she will end up on the moon or Mars. I’m certain of it. If not, she can always fall back on her amazing singing voice and fabulous stage presence. If not the moon, then she will definitely be among the stars, performing on Broadway.
Maddie is 8 going on 25. She is so intelligent, well-rounded, and has one of the sweetest souls of anyone I’ve ever met, with a contagious laugh that spreads like wildfire. Mo has big dreams and has already decided she will be an equestrian veterinarian. A career that will suit her just perfectly, just as long as she can overcome the fear of having to perform surgery. With a loving attitude and a huge heart, she will move mountains.
And then there is Laura. Sweet little 5-year-old Laura. This child is the firecracker that keeps us on our toes at all times. It is never a dull moment when she is around. Her love is ferocious and endless and crazy and amazing. She is funny to a fault and never misses an opportunity to perform a new dance number that she just made up. She is our baby, forever and always.
To be thankful goes beyond the trivial answers that we give during the holidays. It’s a state of mind and something that deserves our attention every single day. Setting aside a few moments to show gratitude for what we have, is imperative for a happy and joyful life. I wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving, a happy holiday, and the best every day.
Here we are again, back in the surgery wing at St. Luke’s hospital. I
think this is number…I forget. Thankfully it’s a fairly simple procedure that
had to wait until Sarah had fully healed from her previous surgeries. I’m much calmer
this time around. Maybe it’s because I’m used to it by now or maybe it’s
because I know it isn’t as serious as the others. Sarah seems much calmer as
well. Then again, she is always as cool as a cucumber.
I do my usual thing and just try to make her laugh as much as
possible before they take her back. I may not have a ton of great qualities,
but I know I can bring a smile to her face. If she does have any fears, she
sure as heck doesn’t show it. She’s as tough as they come and really sets the
standard of what a woman should be. At least in my humble opinion. She works
hard. Much harder than anyone I know. She’s driven to succeed, not only for
herself, but for her family as well. She doesn’t claim to be oppressed by men,
despite working in a vastly male dominated office. She’s the odd one out, but
that doesn’t stop her from succeeding. She goes out and gets what she wants and
doesn’t come back until it’s been obtained. She is way tougher than I am. And
she makes it look easy. As I’ve tried filling some gaps at home while she works,
I find myself questioning how she manages to do it all.
You often hear men being referred to as “pussies” and I don’t quite understand
that connotation. The female genitalia is far stronger and can take one hell of
a beating. Now, with men, if the wind blows it too hard, we’re keeled over in
pain. It’s the weakest part of the male anatomy. It can’t even stand a change
in temperature without shriveling back up into the body like a groundhog that
just saw his shadow. If there were a derogatory term for someone not living up
to their male potential, it should be “don’t be a nut-sack”.
Guys, women are stronger than us. Maybe not in a muscle kind of way,
but you get the idea. They put up with so much of our crap, with nothing but
style and grace. Their patience is unwavering. They are the backbone to every
home. We work as a team, but we know who does the real work. They remember tiny
details that us men would normally overlook. When I’m alone with the kids, we don’t
even get out of our jammies and every meal is mac n’ cheese or corndogs. Not
moms, though. They actually feed the kids fruit and make them bathe. Dad might
be more fun, but mom keeps them alive.
I’m sure my views on women changed as I got older. I always respected
them, but I never understood them like I do now. Bahahaha, just kidding. I still
don’t understand them. All I know is, my life is surrounded by females. 5 to be
exact. 6 if you count one of the dogs. They are all very different from one
another. However, they all have one thing in common; they love fiercely and
passionately. They are all warriors in their own right. They fight daily
battles that us men can’t even begin to understand. I’m proud of all of the
women in my life and happy for everything they have taught me about the world.
Fellas, listen to the women in your life. They ask for very little
from us, but they give so much in return.
People
that tell you “they have your best interest at heart”, rarely do. I think it’s
a very egotistical way of inserting yourself into someone else’s life. It’s
demoralizing. It suggests that people can’t take care of themselves and they
need your all-knowing advice to teach them. What qualifies this person to dish
out advice? When it all blows up in my face, can I put the blame on them? Are
they going to always be there to pick up the pieces?
People
like to be heard. They like to share their experiences and educate you on what
worked for them. The problem is, no two wounds are alike. And they all must be
treated differently. Listening is quickly becoming a lost art. With the vast
number of forums and comment sections on the internet, no one has to wait their
turn. They can just spew whatever vitriol they feel fits the narrative. There
is no civil discourse. It’s everyone standing on their soap boxes, screaming to
be heard. No one stops to actually listen to what someone has to say. Not
everyone needs saving. Some just need an ear so they can vent their
frustrations.
Then
there is that one person who decides you’re going to get their unsolicited
advice, whether you like it or not. This might be one of the most obnoxiously
annoying people to exist. I’m sure you know the type. They are usually very
loud and know everything about everything. They’re nearly untouchable. They
think that because they overcame a hurdle, means they are now qualified to tell
you what to do with your dilemma. I try to keep in mind that these people
aren’t as secure as they think they are. They need validation. They need people
to tell them how smart and well versed they are. They gain strength and grow
into a giant narcissistic blob, with every approving nod and thumbs up. They gain
speed and traction and destroy everything in their path. When they are called
out on their shenanigans, they play the victim.
These
narcissists love to make you look good in public when there are other people around
to hear them. Then behind closed doors they are mean and belittling. When you
see them for their true colors, they feel they have to bring you back down.
They can’t allow you to know too much about them. They don’t want you to see
that they are flawed and powerless over their own lives, so they have to put on
a façade for everyone to see. They’re fragile and weak. If they feel they are in
danger of you revealing their secret, they will back themselves into a corner
and become defensive.
Through
therapy, I am learning to set boundaries. Toxic people just don’t have a place
in my life. I will always accept a challenging view point. I certainly do not
want everyone to think exactly as I do. However, if the only thing you bring to
the table is increasing my anxiety, then please locate the nearest exit and see
yourself out. I can rid myself of most people, but there’s always that one that
finds a way to sneak back in. I suppose this is inevitable and just a way of
life. I don’t want confrontation, but I also have no interest in carrying this
around in my heart and mind.
With
that being said, what is so attractive about someone with an incredibly
inflated ego? What makes people hang on their every word and treat them as if
they are the second coming of Christ? How can others not see them for what they
really are? Or, maybe they do see them, but they long for a connection and they
are drawn to them.
As I’ve
mentioned before; if I write about what bothers me, sometimes that’s enough to
rid my mind of the negativity. I go back and forth on which things deserve to
be fully confronted and which things aren’t even worth a second thought. I must
keep focused on what is truly important in my life and rid myself of what isn’t.
Alright, listen up food noobs and fodder snobs. I’m about to school
ya on mac n’ cheese. And no, not your grandmama’s recipe from when you were
just a wee little tax deduction. I’m talking powdered cheese pack, just add
butter and milk, depression mac. That Blue Box Blues stuff. Or whatever knock
off brand you find at your local dollar store.
See, the box has you cook the pasta for 8 min. Don’t do that. That’s
way too long for those tiny noodles. 4 min on a rolling boil. Stir twice.
That’s it. Just check it before you strain it. Now, here’s where we mix it up.
The directions tell you to strain and then add the noods back to the pan and
add the cheese dust, ¼ cup of milk,
and a ¼ cup of butter. That’s a half a stick, ya ding-dong.
Or 4 Tablespoons. Whatever is easiest for you. And don’t even think about using
that margarine bullshit either, you uncultured swine.
Time to get funky with it. BEFORE your broke ass adds the mac back, return your pan to the stove and turn your heat down to medium-low. Now, add that processed cheese dirt back to the pan with the milk. Don’t just throw that half stick of delicious golden butter into the pan. Cut it into like 6 smaller slabs. It’ll melt quicker, college boy. Or girl. Or dinosaur. Whatever you are. Now, stir that shit up! If you’re feeling froggy, grate a little sharp cheddar and add a splash more milk to your pan. And don’t buy that bagged shredded waxy crap. It literally costs the exact same amount to buy a block and do it yourself. I like to add some hot sauce for a little kick. Raid your fridge and toss in whatever makes you feel pretty. Like…leftover taco meat, bacon bits, hot dogs, Skittles…I don’t care. This is your time to shine. I ain’t judging ya. However, do not add salt. There’s enough sodium in that powder packet to choke a yak. Your heart will thank you later.
Once everything is melted and well incorporated, dump your sad little
pasta elbows into that agent orange looking sauce you’ve just created. Which is
essentially a roux. I’ll explain that a little later. When you mix everything
together, you get a nice even coating, rather than a clumpy mess of half melted
butter and cheese sand. Adjust the consistency to your desire with more milk to
thin it or more grated cheese to thicken. Now, go eat that somewhere in the
dark and try not to feel too much shame. We’ve all been there.
Added Bonus:
Mac n’ cheese is not a hard recipe to do. Essentially, you can make a
fairly decent version with only 5 ingredients:
-Cooked macaroni
-Grated cheese (ex. cheddar, gruyere, cojack…)
-Flour
-Butter
-Milk
You mix the butter with a little flour over medium heat and add your
milk. Congratulations, you just made a roux. Now, you fold in your choice of
grated cheese and let it melt until smooth then add the pasta. Now, that you
have the basics down, you play around with it and make it your own. You can use
different cheeses, bake it with breadcrumbs on top, add different seasonings
and spices like nutmeg, garlic powder, or red pepper flakes. If you really want
to amp it up, try adding a little stout to your roux. 😉
It’s a highly debated topic. To spank or not spank your children. There have been thousands of studies done for over 50 years on the effectiveness of spanking. All of them have concluded that it does little to teach any sort of lesson. In fact, it has quite the opposite effect. Children that have been spanked have much higher levels of aggression and break rules more often than those that aren’t spanked. Children can’t tell the difference between being spanked or being beaten. To them, it’s the same thing. They do not remember the reason for the corporal punishment, just that if they mess up, they are hit. Kids are associating pain with failure. They are learning fear, not trust. They will bottle their emotions and hide things from their parents because they are scared to come forward. They fear being physically hurt because of a poor choice or a mistake.
And yet,
despite the overwhelming amount of evidence that explains this as plain as day,
parents still mock the research and refuse to believe it. Even though there are
no studies (at least nothing I could find) that found spanking to be a positive
form or punishment. They often cite that “they were spanked and turned out
fine”. I can’t help but laugh at this response. As if someone’s own opinion of
themselves should take a higher precedence over half a century of research.
What is
it about this research that the pro spankers find so implausible? Why is it
refuted without so much as a thought? I think part of the reason they defend
it, is because they know they’re wrong. They don’t want to admit how it makes them
feel great shame. It’s not a hard concept to understand. When you deal with a
problem with anger and aggression, you are also teaching this same behavior. Just
because you think you turned out ok, doesn’t mean that every kid had the same
outcome. You have to think outside of your own personal experiences and
understand that this isn’t just about you and how you turned out.
I have not run my own research study by any means, but I have had a few people tell me of their stories. One of them being my wife, who was spanked on a regular basis, often with fly swatters or wooden spoons. One particular time she was punished with a wooden spoon for forgetting her socks at a neighbor’s house. In another instance the person was struck with a switch off of a tree, that she had to pick out herself. No matter how you spin it, this is abuse. The pernicious psychological impact it can have is far greater than the lesson you think you are teaching.
In my
opinion, it’s a ridiculous practice that has a high chance of causing problems
in your children later in life. I, personally, would feel great shame if I
found out that my spanking my kids caused them any sort of distress in their
adult life. Whether it be trust and anger issues, or an inability to make
friends. We don’t spank or hit anyone else in our lives, so why would you do
that to a developing child?
What
works for us, is getting down to their level. Talking to them face to face.
Explaining how what they did was wrong and then dish out a punishment. Ask them
what they could have done differently. Direct them towards making better
decisions the next time. We’re supposed to be teaching them how to deal with
problems.
When you
validate your child’s feelings and name their shame, bringing it to the
surface, you instill trust and comfort. You let them know they are human and
that it’s ok to make mistakes. That doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to be
disciplined. Remember, kids have a hard time expressing themselves. Hell, so do
a lot of adults. They get far more irritable when they are hungry or tired. How
would spanking a child that is tired, benefit them or you? In the end, they are
going to internalize their spanking and then correlate this with whatever
emotion they were feeling at the time.
Before
we met, my wife admitted that there were a few times that she had spanked her
girls. She didn’t know any better because this is how she was raised. She felt
awful each time and vowed to not discipline her kids in this manner ever again.
She wanted her kids to always trust her, not fear her.
In conclusion, children respond far better to positive reinforcement than they do negative. I’m not saying you reward bad behavior. However, show them how to handle a problem by being a positive force in their life. This doesn’t mean you are raising soft kids. It means that you are teaching them patience and understanding by showing them respect. Afterall, this world is a cruel place. A little more love will go a long way.
My
little girls are 5 and 8. They play very well together and with other kids.
They don’t understand how we’re all different. They don’t see religion or color
or social background. All they see is potential fun with someone that’s roughly
their size. They may argue, but it’s usually about what game to play or who
gets to be which character in their make-believe world. It’s never about
something as arbitrary as what the other person looks like.
They
don’t understand borders and differences in countries around the world. When I
tried explaining how women were treated in the Middle East, they looked at me
like I had egg on my face. They asked, “why are women treated so poorly?” and
“why do we have it so good here but they have it so bad there?” It was not an easy
conversation. How do I explain that some religions and beliefs are different in
other areas of the world, to a kindergartener that only understands God to be
loving and forgiving?
We are
failing as a society. We are so hellbent on making our kids stronger for the
future, that we are neglecting to teach them compassion and understanding. The
population as a whole, especially kids and young adults, spend an obscene
amount of time plugged in and enslaved to their devices. It’s warping our minds
and programming us to think the way they want us to think. We have given up our
intellectual independence for “likes” and “shares”.
Imagine
for a moment… you’ve just hit “post” on a funny picture or meme that you wanted
to share. Almost immediately your phone starts to ring with the sound of little
validating beeps. Each one is a “like” or a “comment” on your recent post. You
turn your phone on and open up whatever social platform you are using. The
little red bubble with the number inside at the top of your page is growing.
People LIKED it! They LOVE what you have to say. You feel great. You’ve been
approved by your peers. You go to bed with a smile on your face. By morning,
your post has faded into the dark abyss of the internet and forgotten about
before you could even have breakfast. Now, you want that high again. You need
to feel that authentication. You try to come up with more witty and funny
material, but it only gets 6 likes and your mom is one of them. You feel empty.
But you can’t put the phone down. You might miss something.
Social
media is destroying the very fabric of society. It’s tearing us apart at the
seam. What was designed to help us stay connected with each other and share in
all of life’s splendid moments, has turned into a nightmare. People are too
comfortable behind their computer screen. The bullying is extensive and
nonstop. And the parents are just as bad as the kids. Like many people, I find
myself spending way too much time on social media. I frequently think about
deleting all platforms entirely. It has become a cesspool of hate and arguing.
It’s almost impossible to ignore. Then I justify keeping it so I can see all
the good things that it offers. In reality, I’m missing out on all of the good
things by being tethered to my phone or tablet.
One
thing is for sure, I’m not going to allow my kids to visit these types of sites.
Not because I don’t trust them, but rather I don’t trust the rest of the world.
They are good kids and they are being raised with a moral compass. They will
know how to treat their peers and how to have respect for their fellow man. FB,
Insta, Snap…they’re all just breeding grounds for hate. And I cannot, in good
conscience, allow that into my home.
With
Gratitude,
Ryan
P.S. I
realize the hypocrisy of this rant, considering there’s a link at the bottom to
follow me on Facebook. We can’t all be perfect. 😉
(un)Phased 