My Struggle with Addiction

The past 7 months have been one of the hardest fought times of my life. It has also been full of learning and growth. My therapist has been integral part of this journey. She is teaching me to find happiness within, confront my shame and vulnerability, and love myself. My family has also played a major role in my recovery and improvement. For the first time, I feel truly committed to cultivating the best life for myself and those that I love the most. That’s not to say that I don’t battle every day.

During the darker moments late at night, when I feel the most alone and isolated, I turn to God. I pray for guidance and truth. I pray that those I may have wronged, can forgive me. I pray that my children will find peace though all of these trials and tribulations. I pray for my wife who has had to endure so much for so long. I pray for the nightly anxiety to subside so I can get some sleep. I’m not sure if any of it works, but I figure it’s worth a try.

It’s been 3 weeks since I started down my path to sobriety. And it’s been going great. I feel like a different person. This is the least amount of alcohol I’ve had since before I was 21. I’ve spent nearly 15 years, drinking almost every single night. And most of those nights I drank in excess.

“The chains of alcohol are too light to be felt until they are too strong to be broken” –Anonymous

I rarely ever drank at home. If I did, it was with dinner or if we were having company. I preferred to just go to the bar late at night after everyone went to sleep. I was not only addicted to alcohol, but also to a community of people that I could hang out with and have some laughs or watch whatever game was on tv. I needed to feel that belonging and acceptance. My marriage was suffering. I was in constant pain. I had zero motivation or desire to do anything. The bar was my escape. And it was destroying every facet of my life.

It took a friend that bar tends where I frequented, to stand up and say that he was no longer going to serve me. He said he would not assist in my suicide. That was my eye opener. I’ve had a million reasons to stop, but for whatever reason, this is what did it. He and I aren’t even particularly close, but he stepped up where very few had before. I’ve been able to stop going out and get my anxiety under control. At one point, I was out drinking 7 nights a week. I was in a perpetual hangover, day after day. It affected my mood and my relationship with my family.

The bar decided upon themselves to put me on a limit. 3 beers a night. I understand why they decided to do this, but I also do not like to be treated like a child. I have a real problem with people that are regularly intoxicated, telling me what I can and can’t drink. It doesn’t solve my problem. It only made me angry and want to go somewhere else. They could wash their hands of it, and I could continue to do as I did before.

I found myself spending more time worrying about how I was going to convince the bartenders to lift their ban, than I was focusing on not drinking. I had to use the recent tools I had gained to confront my shame and find my courage to beat this demon.

This was going to take more than just going to a few AA meetings or some other support group, which I had tried. Admittedly, I didn’t give it much of a chance, but I just never felt the connection. The problem I was faced with was rooted much deeper than I had ever thought. I come from a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts. I’m unemployed and dangerously obese with a bad back and bad knees. My wife is at her wits end. I have no career path. No money. No accomplishments. I had no pride in myself. I was a shell of what I used to be and felt as though I was fading into oblivion.

I believe that most addicts fail at getting sober because they aren’t confronting the right problem. The addiction is the obvious one, but what caused them to start down that path to begin with? Confronting what causes their shame and repairing from within should be the first step. If you do not feel any value in yourself, how can you quit the thing that fills that void? Drugs and alcohol are replacements for getting true help.

Once I learned to love myself, I was able to repair other areas of my life. I still have a lot of work to do, but I can now do so with more confidence. I’m still ashamed by my weight and the way it makes me feel. It’s embarrassing. At least I now have more energy to attack these goals and get my life back on track.

“Only when an addict learns to love himself will he feel he’s worth changing.”
― Toni Sorenson

If you have read this far, please keep something in mind: people don’t set out to become an addict. No one wakes up one day and decides to become dependent on something that will take all of their money, steal their youth, rid them of every true friend and family member, and put their life at risk. That’s not how it happens. It’s a problem that existed before the drugs and they made a poor choice in order to stop the pain. I ask you all to please have compassion and understanding. I know it’s a hard concept for most people, but these are people, too. They have families that love them. They once had dreams just like you. Now, all they want is to feel some sort of peace. If you know one, help them. Help them find their courage.

With Gratitude,

Ryan

(un)Withered

What’s good for the goose

Isn’t always good for the gander

Get off your high horse

Quit with the slander

Never pander

Or philander

This would be easy

If I just couldn’t stand her

I’m down with the chase

It’s at her pace

In my face

Just gotta understand

She’s in a different place

Needs her space

Just wish it didn’t feel like

A marathon race

Pour out my tears

Face my fears

Fake smile to the ears

Steer this ship

Anywhere but here

I want happiness

Not anxious

Ambitious

And mysterious

Less delirious

And egregious

To feel like a winner

Not a sinner

No more bitter

Home for dinner

Not my first rodeo

I’m no beginner

Time for a rebirth

No more back and forth

Find where I belong

Shed this girth

Value my worth

Salt of the earth

It’s a new day

Sounds cliché

To find my way

Complete disarray

Be that as it may

The chips will fall

Wherever they lay

WSD

Brain can’t function

While under construction

Or, coordinating conjunction

Weapon of self-destruction

_______________________________

Screaming out loud

Afraid of the crowd

Veiled black shroud

Awaiting nimbus cloud

_______________________________

Embrace the rain

Wash away the pain

Feel no shame

No more blood stain

_______________________________

What is ideal

What do I feel

What life can I steal

Is any of this real

_______________________________

Broken in heart

And falling apart

From the bottom I start

A ragged work of art

I Can Think For Myself, Thank You Very Much.

I often wonder where our fascination with celebrities comes from. Why do we care so much about what these people do in their free time? No judgement here. I’m guilty of it as well. I have a room full of autographed sports memorabilia. More so than just looking up to an athlete or musician. More than just idolizing what these people do on the field or stage. I’m talking about how we let them speak for us. The way we put them on pedestals, all because they can throw a ball or give a stunning performance in this year’s blockbuster.

Hollywood is full of hypocrisy. Do as I say, not as I do. They’re on the front of every magazine and on every talk show. And we line up to be the first to see them and read about them. I know that in the basic form, it’s all about money. The editor for Cosmo isn’t exactly interested in doing a story on Ryan from small town Michigan. I think the answer goes beyond just money. There’s an atmosphere about it that almost resembles addiction. Obsession and addiction aren’t far off from one another. However, can you be addicted to celebrity news and gossip?

What I’ve been seeing lately are movies and television series that are all about surviving a celebrity rape or assault. From R. Kelly to the late Michael Jackson. The NFL has been plagued with physical assault cases for years now. It’s full of men who have beaten women they claim to love. Convicted murderers and animal abusers seem to be the norm. Even those like O.J. Simpson, who may not have been found guilty, but we all know better. The list goes on. And most of these Hollywood and athletic “elites” get away with it. They are issued a fine or kicked off of a team, only to get picked up by another.

These are the people we idolize? This just doesn’t make sense to me. None of it. They’ve mucked up the waters and try to influence us, as if what they have to say should be taken as gospel. It’s difficult for me to listen to millionaires tell me who I should vote for. They live in gated communities with their property surrounded by a 12-foot wall and tell us we shouldn’t build one at the border because it’s “racist”. They travel with armed security, but think we should give up our guns. I lost count at the number of actors that I hear about being anti-gun, but every movie they make, you can find them shooting one.

The current journey I am on, doesn’t allow for such things to occupy my brain space. I have found if I write it, I get rid of it. I’m in search of peace and joy and happiness and love. My children are my life. My wife is my rock. That’s where I put my focus. And I encourage them, as well as anyone, to think for yourself. Never let anyone dictate how you should feel.

With gratitude,

Ryan

Fatherhood

Anyone that knows me, knows that I love my kids more than life itself. I feel as though I have failed in many areas, but not in fatherhood. I’m a great dad. I wear it as a badge of honor. I’m proud of that accomplishment. It feels second nature to me. It’s not a hard concept. Play with them, feed them, hold them when they cry, teach them, talk to them on their level, be stern when needed, but do so with love and compassion. That’s not to say that parenting is easy. It’s certainly not for the faint of heart. It’s exhausting and painful. It is unrewarding and often times feels like too much to handle.

Last night, all of us went in separate directions with various activities. With 4 kids, this tends to happen a lot. The 16-year-old had a choir concert at the school, so mom and the 5-year-old went to that. I love seeing her perform, but it gets so packed and it’s hard to get all of us into the small auditorium. The oldest kid was off having dinner with her grandparents after helping with some chores at their house. I decided to take my 8-year-old out for a little 1 on 1 daddy/daughter time.

Ever since my wife was battling cancer, Mo (8) sees a school counselor once a week, sometimes every other week. She really enjoys it. Gives her someone to talk to without fear. The counselor then will relay messages to us as she sees fit. Yesterday we received an email with a status update. She said that our daughter was definitely holding on to a lot of stress and suggested that we keep things as positive for her as possible. She tends to hold everything back and bury it down deep. Occasionally, I can get her to open up. I figured a little dinner with just the two of us would help.

This kid never surprises me. She’s so smart and articulate. A beautiful soul that loves daringly and cares deeply. After we ordered our dinner, I asked her what has been on her mind. I asked her what she was scared of and what bothered her. Usually, I have to drag it out of her, but she was open from the get go. She is afraid that my wife and I are going to get a divorce. Things have been tough recently, but we are working diligently to make everything work and keep this family together. What she said next, I wasn’t prepared for. She told me she was scared that because of my health problems (knee, back, weight) that I was going to die soon. This was like a shotgun blast to the chest and it totally caught me off guard.

All of a sudden, I’m realizing that maybe I’m not being the best dad I can be. I’m not making my health a priority. The drinking and late nights out have caught up with me. My health has deteriorated in the last two years. I’ve gained a devastating amount of weight. I was going to be dead by 40 if I didn’t start making the necessary changes now. If not for myself, then for my daughters.

After assuring my daughter that I was already taking steps to get healthier and that I wasn’t going anywhere for a very long time, we were able to have some laughs and enjoy our meal.

On the way home we stopped at the grocery store for a couple of quick items and then hurry home to hear about everyone else’s evening. Back in the car, I asked Mo if she was interested in eating healthier with me, which meant getting rid of all processed foods and snacks, like chicken nuggets, corn dogs (her favorite), chips, and sweets. She said “will that help you get healthy and keep you here with me?” I told her it would. She responded, “then of course I will, daddy. Those things are all wants, not needs. And I NEED you.” Talk about an amazing kid.

She brought tears to my eyes. And not just because of how sad it made me feel that she was carrying all of this in her heart, but because of how incredibly proud I am of her and how much she cares for others. Her intellect and understanding are far greater than that of most adults I know. Now, I just fear that this world will ruin her. It’s a cruel place full of cold-hearted and mean people. I will do my best to encourage her to always stay focused, keep being brave and courageous, and to never let anyone attempt to steal her light.

As adults, it is our responsibility to protect our kids, develop their brains, and prepare them for adulthood. I’m quickly learning that if you pay close attention, it’s our children that teach us far more than we deserve.

Continue reading →

Gratitude

As I move along this path to self-discovery, I’m deeply exploring my vulnerability and courage. I’ve always thought they were polar opposites of each other. I understood courage to be what someone would use to stand up to their vulnerability and overcome it. As I learn and grow, I have found that they are more like best friends that live next door to each other. At my most vulnerable moments, it was actually courage that got me through it. Vulnerability was sitting with my wife during her chemo and discussing possible outcomes of her disease. Recently, I had to admit to a friend that I had betrayed his trust. Quitting a job for a better opportunity, that would end up in failure. Putting down the drink and admitting to my family and friends that I was addicted to alcohol. All of these things left me feeling vulnerable and even shameful. It wasn’t until much later that I learned this was also courage. Courage is what got me through all of those moments. You can’t have courage without vulnerability. It takes strength to be vulnerable.

Why are we so afraid to show our vulnerability? Why do we build walls to hide ourselves? I think it’s because we are afraid. We’re scared of rejection and hurt. We care what people think of us, no matter how many times we say that we don’t. Because we all want connection. We all want to be accepted and loved. If we let our guard down, then we open ourselves to pain and rejection. Love is vulnerability. Love is courage. Some would rather choose to never love so they never have to feel that pain. I just don’t think that’s a life worth living. Everyone will know loss at some point. It’s inevitable. Coming to grips with your vulnerability and embracing it, is the only way to navigate this journey.

I’m still learning how to do such things. Being open and honest with myself was the first major step I had to take. If I can’t come clean with myself, then I’m wasting my time and everyone else’s time that is trying to help. Seeing a counselor each week has helped me tremendously. She has been a crucial element on this journey. I’m also learning to give my stresses and worries to God. This has been particularly tough for me. I don’t know how to pass this along to someone else. I don’t know how to just stop thinking about what bothers me most. I don’t think it’s possible, but it is possible to practice gratitude. I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to rid my personal space of clutter. Just as I am trying to do the same in my brain. Pushing out the extra things that I don’t have control over or that which I don’t need. Being grateful for everything I have in my life, because I am truly blessed.

I mentioned God before. This is a very new concept to me. I’ve always disliked organized religion and refused to step foot in a church. I felt God had never been there for me or he had left me a long time ago. It wasn’t until my wife was diagnosed with cancer that I started attending church with her each week. It started to all make sense. I’m not sure if I get into the whole bible thing or if I even believe in Jesus Christ. However, what I have found is a community of positive people that have my best interest at heart. Even with thousands of members in their congregation, they always have time for me. There’s always someone to listen or help. I started to really embrace the church. I had so much gratitude for my new found faith and family. I truly look forward to going each week. I feel it helps to keep me grounded and reminds me to keep practicing gratitude.

As I struggle with addiction, I go back and forth on whether or not I’m addicted to the alcohol or the community. I rarely ever drink at home. The occasional beer while I’m out grilling or maybe some wine with dinner. I never seem to crave it at any point. As my life seems to deteriorate around me, I long for that group feeling. So, I go to the bar. It’s always full of people that I know that all want to have some fun. We’re likely all battling some inner turmoil and have chosen the bar to “get away from it all”. After all, alcohol is a great suppressor of pain and suffering, whether it’s physical or mental. Making the change to get out of the bar and get sober, will help to improve the other areas of my life. I can’t lose weight if I’m drinking every night. I can’t fix my marriage or be a better father if I am out binging until 3am. And no one can do it for me. I have to be strong enough to be vulnerable and have the courage to tackle these demons. I am more than my problems. I am better than this and I will prevail so I may know true joy and happiness.

Depression and anxiety consume my life on the daily. Most days I wake with a lump in my throat and it doesn’t subside until I get to the bar and have my first beer and a shot of whiskey. Unfortunately, it’s only a band aide and not a solution. Actually, it makes my life far worse. I was stuck in a vicious cycle of destruction. My antidepressants didn’t work well because they were constantly mixing with alcohol, negating their effect and usefulness. My brain needed a reward. I tried fulfilling that by drinking, smoking, shopping, eating, and anything else that I thought made me happy. None of it helped. Nothing made me happy. This was no life.

So, here I am. Its 4am on Thursday October 17th. I haven’t been able to get to sleep at a decent hour. Most likely because my body is used to having alcohol course though it. It’s only been 4 days, but that’s the longest I’ve gone without a drink in a very long time. I have to set boundaries in certain areas of my life because I’m afraid they will trigger me. Certain people in my life say they are here to help me, but they drink too much themselves. I don’t think I can be around alcohol just yet. Maybe it will only be temporary. Maybe sobriety will suit me better. As for now, I’m just going to do what I have to do for me. I have to cast fear into the fire and get myself straight.

With gratitude,

Ryan

Care(free)

Strolling through the park

Thinking of you

Falling in love

Feeling less blue

What more can I say

Blessed with a perfect yesterday

__________________________________________

Driving the back roads

Your hand in mine

A cool breeze

Smells of sweet pine

Nothing stands in our way

Thankful for a perfect yesterday

___________________________________________

Toes buried in summer sand

Endlessly carefree

Sun beats down upon our necks

No place I’d rather be

Waves crash and then they sway

Grateful for you everyday

McFatty

Is anyone else getting sick of all the crazy food combinations that seem to be all the rage these days? It’s impossible to ignore. I feel like it all started with bacon. I mean, bacon is delicious. It always has been. But it got to be such a fad, that I almost (almost) got sick of it. Bacon was in/on everything. Then came pork belly and other variations. It was getting out of control! Just google “bacon recipes” if you don’t believe me. It will yield 269,000,000 recipes! There aren’t even half as many broccoli recipes.

With the internet, there are endless ways to get people to follow you. One of those ways is with food. Usually some sort of gigantic something covered in cheese. I was first in line to share those videos and search where I could find such glorious morsels of food. These culinary bastardizations needed to be in front of me and ready to clog up some arteries. It was this type of thinking that has led me down a dangerous path and right into morbid obesity and Type II Diabetes. I’m chock full of health problems, from high blood pressure to crippling back pain that keeps me from working. I battle depression, constant anxiety, and alcohol addiction. Not many people know what I struggle with. I’m the funny guy. I mask it well.

A few weeks ago, someone on a food forum posted a picture of some sort of fried donut, wrapped in bacon and blah blah blah…you get the idea. One of the comments said, “This looks aggressively American”. It was those 2 words that have really stuck with me. Is that what we have become? Other countries see us as nothing but fat slobs. We fight for all sorts of freedoms, but we don’t fight to be healthier. We get behind our computers and argue until we’re blue in the face over things that we have no control over. We buy guns by the truckload in case we ever have to defend the home front. In case a war is ever fought on American soil, we’ll be ready for it! Except we won’t be. Because we can’t run or climb or swim or jog or anything, because we are carrying 100lbs of extra weight around. We aren’t a nation that is war ready. We’re recliner ready at best. Our population now consists of more people overweight than not. A staggering 71.6% of adults over 20 years old, are overweight or obese.

We’ve just accepted this lifestyle. We actually laugh at people that have decided to eat and live healthier. We make fun of vegans and vegetarians and workout enthusiasts. Ok, maybe YOU don’t, but plenty do. And our kids are being raised this way as well. They see the same horrific food. They are addicted at an early age to sugar and high fructose corn syrup. They crave pop and sugar packed juices. They only want to eat fried chicken nuggets and boxed mac ‘n’ cheese. Fruits and veggies are like poison. Parents are trying to find ways to sneak and disguise healthy food into their child’s diet.

It’s hard to get away from it. Every fast food restaurant is projecting some sort of extremely unhealthy and fattening item on tv and the internet. It’s an epidemic with no clear end in sight. Obesity is second only to tobacco use, for preventable death in the US. And back in the 90’s they made it illegal to advertise the sale of cigarettes on billboards and tv. And it worked. Tobacco sales have had a major decline over the years from around 42% down to under 20% since the 60’s. We need that type of commitment to the obesity problem. It has to start in the home. And it has to start with us taking responsibility for what we put in our bodies. As much as I would love to see a change in menu items at fast food restaurants, I understand that greed is vastly more important to those that run these places, than doing what’s right.

I don’t know about any of you, but I’m really sick of being fat. I’m sick of staring at my TV, because I have no energy to do even the most minimal activity. I’m sick of being out of breath after putting on my jeans. I’m sick of the chronic knee and back pain. I caused this. No one else. No one forced that double cheeseburger down my throat. I just question what the hell is in that food that makes it so desirable and addictive? The evidence that fast food is addictive, is pretty limited. Many believe it to be a psychological dependence. Especially in those that are already obese or those that suffer from depression. Food, especially unhealthy food, is often used as a reward. I’m not saying we should force companies to abide by some crazy laws like they have in New York that won’t allow you to order a pop over a certain size. I still believe everyone should have a choice to do whatever it is they want, as long as it isn’t hurting anyone else. I would like to just see more healthy options.

As always, all input is welcome.

(a)Part

You couldn’t have known
It would end up like this
It seemed so perfect
Full of love and bliss

You had no idea
It would turn out so bad
You were once so happy
Now you’re just mad

You tried so hard
To be a supportive wife
But you were left with someone
Living a separate life

You blame yourself
For not doing more
But the problem was me
Rotten to the core

You had no choice
It had to be made
Please tell my girls
Not to be afraid

You have led this family
For so very long
I don’t blame you
You’ve done nothing wrong

You have to do this
You know it in your heart
It’s time you had
A fresh new start

You were an amazing wife
Someone I could really trust
I will love you forever
Until death parts us