Tag Archives: food

Can I Get a Ramen

Alright noshers, I’m back with another delicious recipe that none of you asked for. Much like you, it’s simple, cheap, and delicious! I can’t take credit for this masterpiece, but I do make it quite often. It comes from Chef Roy Choi. If you’ve ever seen the movie or the series “Chef”, you’ll recognize him. He’s the brains behind the operation with loads of unique talent.

This ridiculously easy dish starts out with a single pack of ramen noodles with that little pack of magic soup dust. That little msg packed foil pouch is important, so don’t lose it. You’re also going to need a chicken egg (preferably, unfertilized) and 2 slices of American cheese. Trust me! Don’t go gettin’ all fancy and trying to use a better cheese. Nothing melts like American singles. Fight me. You will also need toasted sesame seeds. I used to toast my own until I found out you can buy them already toasted! I know, right?! No need to complicate things. The last two things you’ll need are a pat of butter and some sliced scallions, green end only. That’s green onions for you culinary deficient folks.

Now, this isn’t fancy ramen like the kind you get at some bougie place in downtown Ann Arbor, that you waaaay overpaid for. This is sustenance. This is life. This feeds your soul.

You’re gonna start off by boiling 2 cups of H2O and cooking the noods according to the package. I believe it’s 3 minutes. Let’s just go with that. Here’s a pro tip: Break up the noodles while they’re still in the pack. Makes life easier. And who doesn’t want easier, amirite?! Dump that freeze-dried pack of pasta (that looks like Justin Timberlake’s hair circa 1995) into the pan and add that concentrated powder pack of flavor and stir to combine. The instructions say to do it at the end. But they’re wrong and I’m right.

When there’s 30 seconds or so left on the timer you forgot to set, toss in that butta and crack that egg right into the water. Fold some of the noodles over the egg and let it poach. Now turn off the burner. I like to break the yolk almost immediately and stir it right into the soup, or you can leave it whole and let it continue to cook. This is your slop to eat, so you do you, boo!

If you’ve made it this far, congratulations. It’s time to transfer this scorching hot goodness to a bowl. I prefer a bowl over a plate, because it’s a bowl and bowls are good for things like soup. Plates are not. I also find it helpful if you don’t burn yourself during this process. Once you have it in your vessel of choice, slap those two pieces of American processed plastic that we talked about earlier, right on top. I know this goes against everything you’ve ever learned about cooking soup. You must trust me. Have I ever let you down before? If you know me, then the answer would be yes, but that’s a topic that only my therapist is privy to.

As the “cheese” begins to melt, you will start to understand the beauty of this uncomplicated dish. Sprinkle the top with those toasted sesame seeds and the green onion. I like to add a little (a lot) sriracha to mine or if I’m really hating myself, I’ll add a few dashes of Bravado’s A.K.A Miso Ghost-Reaper sauce. This stuff is seriously hot and will give you something to cry about other than your life choices.

It’s time to stir up this crazy concoction and get to slurping! I prefer to use one of those deep spoons you find at Asian restaurants. You can get them online for souper cheap. Chop sticks are another option, but I’m not coordinated enough for that noise.

This dish represents comfort. If food could wrap you up and give you a big hug, this is what would do it. If you suffer from depression, you will still suffer depression after eating it. It’s food, not bourbon. So, build a blanket pillow fort, put on your most comfortable clothes, (as if you weren’t already in them), que up Good Girls on Netflix and remember that a happy belly is a happy mind.

Bone Apple Teeth!

The Depressed Chef

The Mac Attack is Back, Jack

Alright, listen up food noobs and fodder snobs. I’m about to school ya on mac n’ cheese. And no, not your grandmama’s recipe from when you were just a wee little tax deduction. I’m talking powdered cheese pack, just add butter and milk, depression mac. That Blue Box Blues stuff. Or whatever knock off brand you find at your local dollar store.

See, the box has you cook the pasta for 8 min. Don’t do that. That’s way too long for those tiny noodles. 4 min on a rolling boil. Stir twice. That’s it. Just check it before you strain it. Now, here’s where we mix it up. The directions tell you to strain and then add the noods back to the pan and add the cheese dust, ¼ cup of milk, and a ¼ cup of butter. That’s a half a stick, ya ding-dong. Or 4 Tablespoons. Whatever is easiest for you. And don’t even think about using that margarine bullshit either, you uncultured swine.

Time to get funky with it. BEFORE your broke ass adds the mac back, return your pan to the stove and turn your heat down to medium-low. Now, add that processed cheese dirt back to the pan with the milk. Don’t just throw that half stick of delicious golden butter into the pan. Cut it into like 6 smaller slabs. It’ll melt quicker, college boy. Or girl. Or dinosaur. Whatever you are. Now, stir that shit up! If you’re feeling froggy, grate a little sharp cheddar and add a splash more milk to your pan. And don’t buy that bagged shredded waxy crap. It literally costs the exact same amount to buy a block and do it yourself. I like to add some hot sauce for a little kick. Raid your fridge and toss in whatever makes you feel pretty. Like…leftover taco meat, bacon bits, hot dogs, Skittles…I don’t care. This is your time to shine. I ain’t judging ya. However, do not add salt. There’s enough sodium in that powder packet to choke a yak. Your heart will thank you later.

Once everything is melted and well incorporated, dump your sad little pasta elbows into that agent orange looking sauce you’ve just created. Which is essentially a roux. I’ll explain that a little later. When you mix everything together, you get a nice even coating, rather than a clumpy mess of half melted butter and cheese sand. Adjust the consistency to your desire with more milk to thin it or more grated cheese to thicken. Now, go eat that somewhere in the dark and try not to feel too much shame. We’ve all been there.

Added Bonus:

Mac n’ cheese is not a hard recipe to do. Essentially, you can make a fairly decent version with only 5 ingredients:

-Cooked macaroni

-Grated cheese (ex. cheddar, gruyere, cojack…)

-Flour

-Butter

-Milk

You mix the butter with a little flour over medium heat and add your milk. Congratulations, you just made a roux. Now, you fold in your choice of grated cheese and let it melt until smooth then add the pasta. Now, that you have the basics down, you play around with it and make it your own. You can use different cheeses, bake it with breadcrumbs on top, add different seasonings and spices like nutmeg, garlic powder, or red pepper flakes. If you really want to amp it up, try adding a little stout to your roux. 😉

Yours truly,

The Depressed Chef