Tag Archives: gratitude

Thankful

What does it really mean to be thankful? We hear everyone ask this question around this time of year, but it doesn’t seem to be a discussion during the remaining months. And the answers always seem so cliché and almost rehearsed. Does anyone take the time to truly think about what gives them thanks? Or, are we just so engrossed by all the “things” in our life, that we lose sight of what really matters?

I’m always thankful for my family. And not just because that’s the easy answer. They are what gives me the most joy and happiness. Family has been the constant in my life that has always lifted me up and gotten me through some of my hardest fought battles. We try to find something positive in every single day. Around the dinner table, after we say grace, we go from person to person and everyone gets their chance to regale each other with the best thing that happened to them that day. Even on our worst days, we find at least one good thing that occurred. It’s usually then followed up by one of our daughters pretending to be a velociraptor or telling a joke they heard in school. We laugh. We share. We delight in each other.

I’m extremely thankful for an amazing wife that has never let us down. I thank God every day for giving her the strength to beat cancer and keep her with us. She works so incredibly hard to make sure we have everything we need. Often times at the mercy of her own sanity. I’m thankful for the chance to grow as a person and realize how important it is to work as a team to raise our family. They may not see it now, but our daughters are so blessed to have such a strong female role model in their lives. She has stood by my side through thick or thin, led by example, and introduced me to God and our church.

I am so grateful for the amazing children that God has given us. Aislynn is our hard working 19-year-old that has had her fair share of struggles, but doesn’t let it stop her. She creates some of the most amazing artwork that I have ever seen. I cannot wait to see what this kid creates next. Her heart is always on her sleeve, ready to help anyone at a moment’s notice. She is funny and articulate and as sweet as they come.

Ashley is our 16-year-old that refuses to take no for an answer. She tackles everything she does with tenacity and passion. I would tell her that the sky is the limit, but that wouldn’t be good enough for her. Mark my words, she will end up on the moon or Mars. I’m certain of it. If not, she can always fall back on her amazing singing voice and fabulous stage presence. If not the moon, then she will definitely be among the stars, performing on Broadway.

Maddie is 8 going on 25. She is so intelligent, well-rounded, and has one of the sweetest souls of anyone I’ve ever met, with a contagious laugh that spreads like wildfire. Mo has big dreams and has already decided she will be an equestrian veterinarian. A career that will suit her just perfectly, just as long as she can overcome the fear of having to perform surgery. With a loving attitude and a huge heart, she will move mountains.

And then there is Laura. Sweet little 5-year-old Laura. This child is the firecracker that keeps us on our toes at all times. It is never a dull moment when she is around. Her love is ferocious and endless and crazy and amazing. She is funny to a fault and never misses an opportunity to perform a new dance number that she just made up. She is our baby, forever and always.

To be thankful goes beyond the trivial answers that we give during the holidays. It’s a state of mind and something that deserves our attention every single day. Setting aside a few moments to show gratitude for what we have, is imperative for a happy and joyful life. I wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving, a happy holiday, and the best every day.

With love and gratitude,

Ryan

Gratitude

As I move along this path to self-discovery, I’m deeply exploring my vulnerability and courage. I’ve always thought they were polar opposites of each other. I understood courage to be what someone would use to stand up to their vulnerability and overcome it. As I learn and grow, I have found that they are more like best friends that live next door to each other. At my most vulnerable moments, it was actually courage that got me through it. Vulnerability was sitting with my wife during her chemo and discussing possible outcomes of her disease. Recently, I had to admit to a friend that I had betrayed his trust. Quitting a job for a better opportunity, that would end up in failure. Putting down the drink and admitting to my family and friends that I was addicted to alcohol. All of these things left me feeling vulnerable and even shameful. It wasn’t until much later that I learned this was also courage. Courage is what got me through all of those moments. You can’t have courage without vulnerability. It takes strength to be vulnerable.

Why are we so afraid to show our vulnerability? Why do we build walls to hide ourselves? I think it’s because we are afraid. We’re scared of rejection and hurt. We care what people think of us, no matter how many times we say that we don’t. Because we all want connection. We all want to be accepted and loved. If we let our guard down, then we open ourselves to pain and rejection. Love is vulnerability. Love is courage. Some would rather choose to never love so they never have to feel that pain. I just don’t think that’s a life worth living. Everyone will know loss at some point. It’s inevitable. Coming to grips with your vulnerability and embracing it, is the only way to navigate this journey.

I’m still learning how to do such things. Being open and honest with myself was the first major step I had to take. If I can’t come clean with myself, then I’m wasting my time and everyone else’s time that is trying to help. Seeing a counselor each week has helped me tremendously. She has been a crucial element on this journey. I’m also learning to give my stresses and worries to God. This has been particularly tough for me. I don’t know how to pass this along to someone else. I don’t know how to just stop thinking about what bothers me most. I don’t think it’s possible, but it is possible to practice gratitude. I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to rid my personal space of clutter. Just as I am trying to do the same in my brain. Pushing out the extra things that I don’t have control over or that which I don’t need. Being grateful for everything I have in my life, because I am truly blessed.

I mentioned God before. This is a very new concept to me. I’ve always disliked organized religion and refused to step foot in a church. I felt God had never been there for me or he had left me a long time ago. It wasn’t until my wife was diagnosed with cancer that I started attending church with her each week. It started to all make sense. I’m not sure if I get into the whole bible thing or if I even believe in Jesus Christ. However, what I have found is a community of positive people that have my best interest at heart. Even with thousands of members in their congregation, they always have time for me. There’s always someone to listen or help. I started to really embrace the church. I had so much gratitude for my new found faith and family. I truly look forward to going each week. I feel it helps to keep me grounded and reminds me to keep practicing gratitude.

As I struggle with addiction, I go back and forth on whether or not I’m addicted to the alcohol or the community. I rarely ever drink at home. The occasional beer while I’m out grilling or maybe some wine with dinner. I never seem to crave it at any point. As my life seems to deteriorate around me, I long for that group feeling. So, I go to the bar. It’s always full of people that I know that all want to have some fun. We’re likely all battling some inner turmoil and have chosen the bar to “get away from it all”. After all, alcohol is a great suppressor of pain and suffering, whether it’s physical or mental. Making the change to get out of the bar and get sober, will help to improve the other areas of my life. I can’t lose weight if I’m drinking every night. I can’t fix my marriage or be a better father if I am out binging until 3am. And no one can do it for me. I have to be strong enough to be vulnerable and have the courage to tackle these demons. I am more than my problems. I am better than this and I will prevail so I may know true joy and happiness.

Depression and anxiety consume my life on the daily. Most days I wake with a lump in my throat and it doesn’t subside until I get to the bar and have my first beer and a shot of whiskey. Unfortunately, it’s only a band aide and not a solution. Actually, it makes my life far worse. I was stuck in a vicious cycle of destruction. My antidepressants didn’t work well because they were constantly mixing with alcohol, negating their effect and usefulness. My brain needed a reward. I tried fulfilling that by drinking, smoking, shopping, eating, and anything else that I thought made me happy. None of it helped. Nothing made me happy. This was no life.

So, here I am. Its 4am on Thursday October 17th. I haven’t been able to get to sleep at a decent hour. Most likely because my body is used to having alcohol course though it. It’s only been 4 days, but that’s the longest I’ve gone without a drink in a very long time. I have to set boundaries in certain areas of my life because I’m afraid they will trigger me. Certain people in my life say they are here to help me, but they drink too much themselves. I don’t think I can be around alcohol just yet. Maybe it will only be temporary. Maybe sobriety will suit me better. As for now, I’m just going to do what I have to do for me. I have to cast fear into the fire and get myself straight.

With gratitude,

Ryan