June 2^nd, 2021

This past March 15^th was a year since the last time I sat down to write. That’s 444 days since I wrote out my thoughts or shared my struggles. My life has been turned upside down in that short amount of time. I live everyday in my own personal hell.

First the world was brought to its knees by the virus known as Covid-19 or Coronavirus, originating in China and quickly sweeping every corner of the world with a current death toll of 3.68 million people. It’s caused mass panic, with shortages on hand sanitizer, toilet paper, masks, etc. We were so unprepared for this pandemic. Schools and businesses shut their doors. Many restaurants couldn’t survive the stay-at-home orders and had to close for good. We’ve had to learn to live in a very different way.

Next, I found out my wife filed for divorce. I don’t really blame her, but I’m still angry about it. My depression and alcoholism finally pushed her over the edge. I needed/need help and felt like she was tossing me aside, but I can only fathom how hard it must have been for her to get to that point. I still love her more than life itself. She’s an amazing woman that I took advantage of. I even managed to stop drinking for over 100 days, but still managed to fall off the wagon and fall back into my old ways.

During all of this, I found woodworking and have made a nice little side business with it. I was able to buy all our kids Christmas presents with my profits. It felt good to contribute again.

If you remember, my sister had been fighting cancer since Christmas 2019. In May 2020, she was told the chemo was working and with radiation, she may be able to beat it. On August 26^th, 2020, Kellyn’s life was cut short. The cancer had returned and this time it was in her brain. There was nothing the doctors could do. This alone, has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. My baby sister gone at 31 years old. Our family, friends, and anyone that knew her, have been absolutely devastated. I miss her and struggle with her absence every single day. Not a moment goes by that I don’t mourn her loss. Just typing this has brought me to tears.

The holidays were hard this year. Our daughters miss her so much and have had a really hard time processing their grief. Because of all of this, Sarah held off on pushing the divorce through. As much as I appreciated that, it only delayed the inevitable. I tried to prove myself to her, but it wasn’t good enough. The divorce was finalized just a few weeks ago. We are still living together until I can find a place and get myself together. The problem is, I feel like I’m buried deep below the surface and I must figure out how to dig myself out before I can even attempt the climb up the mountain.

I would be lying if I said I haven’t thought about ending it all. Thing is, I don’t want to die, but I’m tired. I’m tired of being in pain and feeling this way. I’m exhausted from this constant fog and overworked brain. I feel like a shell of my former self. I can’t stand for more than a few minutes because of back pain, most likely from carrying so much extra weight up front. I don’t sleep well. I’m dead broke. Can’t find work that I’m capable of doing without shear pain. I’m closing in on 400lbs. I’ve never been so uncomfortable, and I just don’t want to do it anymore. However, I’ll keep plugging along for my little girls.

This brings me to right now. Finally able to go to a coffee house and write. Able to break away from the mundane and try to find some semblance of life 444 days ago. This is going to be all new territory for me and I’m dreading every single moment of it.

Help.