As I continue to mourn the loss of my dear sister, I started to really think about others that have experienced similar tragedies. Those close friends and family that have had to endure the same pain that I find myself in, along with the rest of my family. Losing a loved one that has barely lived a third of their life, is tragic at best.

I have way too many friends that can empathize with the grief I feel. The number shouldn’t be as high as it is. My best friend lost his brother when we were in our late teens. An absolute tragedy that I could not even begin to grasp. I just hoped I would never have to know his pain. What saddens me even more, is the fact that he is family to us. He lost a sister as well. And she loved him like another brother.

It’s like we’re all part of an unspoken club that none of us ever asked to be a part of. When you’re connected through tragedy, you begin to understand each other better, even if you rarely speak. You see the fake smiles and forced laughter and recognize that we’re all coping in different ways. We don’t get together or have meetings, but maybe we should.

Losing a loved one that has lived a full life is never easy, but it’s easier to comprehend and the grief seems easier to deal with. My great grandma died 20 years ago, and I still miss her like crazy, along with my other grandparents, but it was just easier to understand and move on. I find that missing someone and grieving are very different, even though they may seem similar. I miss my first dog, but it doesn’t affect my everyday life. Losing my sister has made life very difficult. It’s made me question everything from my faith to my existence to the point of it all. Good days are hard to come by. Bad days are aplenty. Sad days are constant.

Grief is such a fickle thing. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. There are healthier options, but how one person mourns is not the same as the next. Most of us turn to drugs or alcohol to soothe the pain, but it only exacerbates the suffering. It’s a temporary fix that only serves to numb the senses. I would love to tell you I chose the healthy option by going to the gym and working towards bettering myself. Unfortunately, this entire ordeal mixed with a divorce and health issues, has left me in a very dark place. When I do have good days, I don’t really know what to do with them. I almost prefer to curl up into that dark place because it feels comfortable. I know how to deal with it, and it feels natural. The problem with staying in this place of darkness is being alone with my anger and sadness. Alone to contemplate the point of my existence. I keep hearing that there will be “light at the end of the tunnel” and “things will get easier”. Well, I can’t see any light and it’s only gotten substantially more difficult. It may be the cynic in me, but I just don’t believe any of this to be true. At least not yet.