Tag Archives: Obesity

So Tired.

June 2nd, 2021

This past March 15th was a year since the last time I sat down to write. That’s 444 days since I wrote out my thoughts or shared my struggles. My life has been turned upside down in that short amount of time. I live everyday in my own personal hell.

First the world was brought to its knees by the virus known as Covid-19 or Coronavirus, originating in China and quickly sweeping every corner of the world with a current death toll of 3.68 million people. It’s caused mass panic, with shortages on hand sanitizer, toilet paper, masks, etc. We were so unprepared for this pandemic. Schools and businesses shut their doors. Many restaurants couldn’t survive the stay-at-home orders and had to close for good. We’ve had to learn to live in a very different way.

Next, I found out my wife filed for divorce. I don’t really blame her, but I’m still angry about it. My depression and alcoholism finally pushed her over the edge. I needed/need help and felt like she was tossing me aside, but I can only fathom how hard it must have been for her to get to that point. I still love her more than life itself. She’s an amazing woman that I took advantage of. I even managed to stop drinking for over 100 days, but still managed to fall off the wagon and fall back into my old ways.

During all of this, I found woodworking and have made a nice little side business with it. I was able to buy all our kids Christmas presents with my profits. It felt good to contribute again.

If you remember, my sister had been fighting cancer since Christmas 2019. In May 2020, she was told the chemo was working and with radiation, she may be able to beat it. On August 26th, 2020, Kellyn’s life was cut short. The cancer had returned and this time it was in her brain. There was nothing the doctors could do. This alone, has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. My baby sister gone at 31 years old. Our family, friends, and anyone that knew her, have been absolutely devastated. I miss her and struggle with her absence every single day. Not a moment goes by that I don’t mourn her loss. Just typing this has brought me to tears.

The holidays were hard this year. Our daughters miss her so much and have had a really hard time processing their grief. Because of all of this, Sarah held off on pushing the divorce through. As much as I appreciated that, it only delayed the inevitable. I tried to prove myself to her, but it wasn’t good enough. The divorce was finalized just a few weeks ago. We are still living together until I can find a place and get myself together. The problem is, I feel like I’m buried deep below the surface and I must figure out how to dig myself out before I can even attempt the climb up the mountain.

I would be lying if I said I haven’t thought about ending it all. Thing is, I don’t want to die, but I’m tired. I’m tired of being in pain and feeling this way. I’m exhausted from this constant fog and overworked brain. I feel like a shell of my former self. I can’t stand for more than a few minutes because of back pain, most likely from carrying so much extra weight up front. I don’t sleep well. I’m dead broke. Can’t find work that I’m capable of doing without shear pain. I’m closing in on 400lbs. I’ve never been so uncomfortable, and I just don’t want to do it anymore. However, I’ll keep plugging along for my little girls.

This brings me to right now. Finally able to go to a coffee house and write. Able to break away from the mundane and try to find some semblance of life 444 days ago. This is going to be all new territory for me and I’m dreading every single moment of it.

Help.

McFatty

Is anyone else getting sick of all the crazy food combinations that seem to be all the rage these days? It’s impossible to ignore. I feel like it all started with bacon. I mean, bacon is delicious. It always has been. But it got to be such a fad, that I almost (almost) got sick of it. Bacon was in/on everything. Then came pork belly and other variations. It was getting out of control! Just google “bacon recipes” if you don’t believe me. It will yield 269,000,000 recipes! There aren’t even half as many broccoli recipes.

With the internet, there are endless ways to get people to follow you. One of those ways is with food. Usually some sort of gigantic something covered in cheese. I was first in line to share those videos and search where I could find such glorious morsels of food. These culinary bastardizations needed to be in front of me and ready to clog up some arteries. It was this type of thinking that has led me down a dangerous path and right into morbid obesity and Type II Diabetes. I’m chock full of health problems, from high blood pressure to crippling back pain that keeps me from working. I battle depression, constant anxiety, and alcohol addiction. Not many people know what I struggle with. I’m the funny guy. I mask it well.

A few weeks ago, someone on a food forum posted a picture of some sort of fried donut, wrapped in bacon and blah blah blah…you get the idea. One of the comments said, “This looks aggressively American”. It was those 2 words that have really stuck with me. Is that what we have become? Other countries see us as nothing but fat slobs. We fight for all sorts of freedoms, but we don’t fight to be healthier. We get behind our computers and argue until we’re blue in the face over things that we have no control over. We buy guns by the truckload in case we ever have to defend the home front. In case a war is ever fought on American soil, we’ll be ready for it! Except we won’t be. Because we can’t run or climb or swim or jog or anything, because we are carrying 100lbs of extra weight around. We aren’t a nation that is war ready. We’re recliner ready at best. Our population now consists of more people overweight than not. A staggering 71.6% of adults over 20 years old, are overweight or obese.

We’ve just accepted this lifestyle. We actually laugh at people that have decided to eat and live healthier. We make fun of vegans and vegetarians and workout enthusiasts. Ok, maybe YOU don’t, but plenty do. And our kids are being raised this way as well. They see the same horrific food. They are addicted at an early age to sugar and high fructose corn syrup. They crave pop and sugar packed juices. They only want to eat fried chicken nuggets and boxed mac ‘n’ cheese. Fruits and veggies are like poison. Parents are trying to find ways to sneak and disguise healthy food into their child’s diet.

It’s hard to get away from it. Every fast food restaurant is projecting some sort of extremely unhealthy and fattening item on tv and the internet. It’s an epidemic with no clear end in sight. Obesity is second only to tobacco use, for preventable death in the US. And back in the 90’s they made it illegal to advertise the sale of cigarettes on billboards and tv. And it worked. Tobacco sales have had a major decline over the years from around 42% down to under 20% since the 60’s. We need that type of commitment to the obesity problem. It has to start in the home. And it has to start with us taking responsibility for what we put in our bodies. As much as I would love to see a change in menu items at fast food restaurants, I understand that greed is vastly more important to those that run these places, than doing what’s right.

I don’t know about any of you, but I’m really sick of being fat. I’m sick of staring at my TV, because I have no energy to do even the most minimal activity. I’m sick of being out of breath after putting on my jeans. I’m sick of the chronic knee and back pain. I caused this. No one else. No one forced that double cheeseburger down my throat. I just question what the hell is in that food that makes it so desirable and addictive? The evidence that fast food is addictive, is pretty limited. Many believe it to be a psychological dependence. Especially in those that are already obese or those that suffer from depression. Food, especially unhealthy food, is often used as a reward. I’m not saying we should force companies to abide by some crazy laws like they have in New York that won’t allow you to order a pop over a certain size. I still believe everyone should have a choice to do whatever it is they want, as long as it isn’t hurting anyone else. I would like to just see more healthy options.

As always, all input is welcome.