Have you ever let your dog out to play and it starts to rain before you call them back in? Before you know it, you have a soaked K-9 dripping all over your kitchen floor. They loved it. They were rolling around and having a grand ole time. You grab a towel and start to dry them off when you finally get a whiff. The smell of a wet pup is like nothing else. It violates your nasal passages. You have no choice but to bathe them. That stench will get on everything if you do not act quickly.

The same exact thing happens when you douse yourself in patchouli oil. It is the most vile and putrid scent known to man. It is obtrusive in the worst way. Against everyone’s will, it violates the olfactory organs. Personally, I feel assaulted whenever you free loving tree huggers passes by me while I’m trying to write at the local coffeehouse.

If you’ve ever sat outside in the summertime, you know how bad the insects can be, especially mosquitoes. You reach for a can of OFF spray and cover yourself with it. It doesn’t smell good, but it’s worth it to keep those little blood suckers at bay. Patchouli was developed by the Hindi in India and other parts of southeast Asia, for the same reason. There’s no need to wear it in Northwest Ohio in January, Sunshine! It must work, because I don’t want to be within 30 feet of your smelly ass. Actually, I’d rather you smell like ass. It’s a far more pleasant odor.

I get it, all of you potheads want to mask the smell of the marijuana. I hate the smell of weed, but I would welcome it over you bathing in, what can only be described as a 3-day old rain puddle mixed with cat piss. With the new wave of edibles and vape pens, you can get your fix without being stinky. Everyone wins!

Please do us all a favor and dump the rest of that hippie extract down the drain and go find something a little more floral or even citrusy. This time of year, try thinking oranges or cherry blossoms or whatever the cocaine riddled strippers are wearing these days.

The point is, patchouli is no longer the exotic and organic Ancient Asian perfume, that you think it is. We love in a modern society with so many other modern solutions. Please, I beg of you. You’ve killed my sense of smell and it’s much too late for me, but please think of the children!

Sincerely,

You Stink.