For the first time since I’ve started writing every day, I’m having trouble putting my emotions and feelings to paper. I sit and stare at the screen and try to force the words. Which often results in hastily deleting everything and switching over to the time-suck that is Facebook. My frustration then leads to arguing politics with people I don’t even know. Talk about a waste of good brain cells.

Writing has helped me to cope with a large amount of my daily struggles. I rarely do it at home, but rather at a coffee shop of some sort. Thankfully, a brand-new shop just opened down the street from me. I prefer leaving over staying at home so that I have less distractions. I put on my music, open the laptop, take out my note book and my journal, pen case, newspaper, and start transcribing my thoughts into a poem or story. It’s very cathartic and even Zen-like.

When the words are nothing but a jumbled mess, then the stress starts to back up. I can’t focus and I feel like anger starts to take over my world. It’s as if everyone is out to get me. The anxiety creeps up from the depths of my stomach until it reaches my throat and I feel like I’m being lightly strangled.

As most of you know by now, my sister was diagnosed with stage 4 cervical cancer. This was a major blow to the whole family and we’ve all been coping in one way or another; some healthy and some not so much. How does one healthily cope, when they feel their world is crashing down around them?

My sister and I haven’t always been super close, but we weren’t estranged from each other, either. Just very different people with different outlooks on life. Last year around this time, we got into a giant fight at our Super Bowl party. Screaming and yelling over something fairly petty. Tempers were flaring and I asked her to leave. Which she did, in tears. For nearly an entire year, we didn’t speak. The only time was during our Grandmother’s funeral. We were both stubborn and neither of us would make the first step to admit we were wrong.

The year went by fast. I had my own problems and health issues and told myself I didn’t care if Kellyn was hurt by things or not. I was not going to apologize. Yet, I thought about her often, and I missed her. Around Thanksgiving I invited her over for dinner. She never even responded. The next day I sent her a simple “I love you” message. No response. I didn’t really expect one, nonetheless I wanted her to know I was reaching out. From that point on, every week or two, I would send her the same 3-word text. No response. I told my wife that I was going to keep sending her the same message until she was ready to talk. On Christmas Eve, I got an “I love you” back from my sister, who was lying in a hospital bed and fearing the worst news was coming. Her message  made me feel all warm inside. It was like getting to open one of your Christmas presents a day early.

I would find out later that every time I had text my sister one of those messages, it happened to be the same moment that she was in excruciating pain. She said there was no way I could’ve known anything was wrong, since she hadn’t told anyone. I don’t know what made me text her in the first place, but I felt compelled to do so.

This last month has been a hard one on her and the entire family. Chemotherapy and surgery and doctor appointments, not to mention the pain and lethargy. One thing I am eternally grateful for, is the relationship that my sister and I are building.

As I have been reflecting on my life, I really feel I never gave my sister credit for being the amazing woman she is. Sure, she’s the most tenacious person I’ve ever known, but she would probably say the same thing about me. I judged her too hard and never saw her for the funny and beautiful soul that she grew up to be. She’s kind and gentle, and a phenomenal Aunt to her 7 nieces. I’ve really been missing out on her life, because she wasn’t more like me.

Kellyn had to shave her head this week, which if you know her, you know how much she adores her hair. She didn’t want anyone with her when she did it, but she came out looking like a badass and still just as gorgeous. She has this G.I. Jane/Ripley thing going on. It looks great and I hope she learns to wear it as a badge of honor and pride.

If there is one piece of super cliché advice I could offer, it would be to stop taking your life and those you love most, for granted. You rob yourself of happiness and peace when you allow inconsequential instances dictate your life. It’s ok to be the first to say “I’m sorry”. Forgiveness isn’t defeat. Being too stubborn to admit when you’re wrong, is defeat. Hold your people close. Tell them you love them. Don’t waste another moment being angry or holding a grudge. It’s just not worth it.

With gratitude,

~Ryan