Tag Archives: tired

Deep Six

A sacrifice to better the mind

A chance to free the hive

To strive and thrive

In a free state of mind

Live among the trees

With no one to please

Quiet and shaded

Cold and faded

Returning to earth

Back roads home

In a cosmic rebirth

Lost and unfound

In a deep six shroud

A spot in the dirt

With insects to flirt

Sing with crows

Where the flowers grow

And firefly’s glow

Returning to earth

Back roads home

In a cosmic rebirth

Lost and unfound

In a deep six shroud

Good Grief

As I continue to mourn the loss of my dear sister, I started to really think about others that have experienced similar tragedies. Those close friends and family that have had to endure the same pain that I find myself in, along with the rest of my family. Losing a loved one that has barely lived a third of their life, is tragic at best.

I have way too many friends that can empathize with the grief I feel. The number shouldn’t be as high as it is. My best friend lost his brother when we were in our late teens. An absolute tragedy that I could not even begin to grasp. I just hoped I would never have to know his pain. What saddens me even more, is the fact that he is family to us. He lost a sister as well. And she loved him like another brother.

It’s like we’re all part of an unspoken club that none of us ever asked to be a part of. When you’re connected through tragedy, you begin to understand each other better, even if you rarely speak. You see the fake smiles and forced laughter and recognize that we’re all coping in different ways. We don’t get together or have meetings, but maybe we should.

Losing a loved one that has lived a full life is never easy, but it’s easier to comprehend and the grief seems easier to deal with. My great grandma died 20 years ago, and I still miss her like crazy, along with my other grandparents, but it was just easier to understand and move on. I find that missing someone and grieving are very different, even though they may seem similar. I miss my first dog, but it doesn’t affect my everyday life. Losing my sister has made life very difficult. It’s made me question everything from my faith to my existence to the point of it all. Good days are hard to come by. Bad days are aplenty. Sad days are constant.

Grief is such a fickle thing. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. There are healthier options, but how one person mourns is not the same as the next. Most of us turn to drugs or alcohol to soothe the pain, but it only exacerbates the suffering. It’s a temporary fix that only serves to numb the senses. I would love to tell you I chose the healthy option by going to the gym and working towards bettering myself. Unfortunately, this entire ordeal mixed with a divorce and health issues, has left me in a very dark place. When I do have good days, I don’t really know what to do with them. I almost prefer to curl up into that dark place because it feels comfortable. I know how to deal with it, and it feels natural. The problem with staying in this place of darkness is being alone with my anger and sadness. Alone to contemplate the point of my existence. I keep hearing that there will be “light at the end of the tunnel” and “things will get easier”. Well, I can’t see any light and it’s only gotten substantially more difficult. It may be the cynic in me, but I just don’t believe any of this to be true. At least not yet.

Keybored

I put my fingers to the keys

Hoping for inspiration

Praying for resolutions

Words come out

But they don’t convey

Delete them all

They don’t matter anyway

Backspace is worn

The print half gone

Along with the letters W-H-and Y

With L-O-V- and E

Fading away

Like a ship

Headed to sea

Scrambled, jumbled

Full of shame

Regret

Loss

Constant mental pain

It’s all a blur

Not worth the cost

Insecure

Wander-lost

Wonder-lost

Ponder-lost

Just lost

So Tired.

June 2nd, 2021

This past March 15th was a year since the last time I sat down to write. That’s 444 days since I wrote out my thoughts or shared my struggles. My life has been turned upside down in that short amount of time. I live everyday in my own personal hell.

First the world was brought to its knees by the virus known as Covid-19 or Coronavirus, originating in China and quickly sweeping every corner of the world with a current death toll of 3.68 million people. It’s caused mass panic, with shortages on hand sanitizer, toilet paper, masks, etc. We were so unprepared for this pandemic. Schools and businesses shut their doors. Many restaurants couldn’t survive the stay-at-home orders and had to close for good. We’ve had to learn to live in a very different way.

Next, I found out my wife filed for divorce. I don’t really blame her, but I’m still angry about it. My depression and alcoholism finally pushed her over the edge. I needed/need help and felt like she was tossing me aside, but I can only fathom how hard it must have been for her to get to that point. I still love her more than life itself. She’s an amazing woman that I took advantage of. I even managed to stop drinking for over 100 days, but still managed to fall off the wagon and fall back into my old ways.

During all of this, I found woodworking and have made a nice little side business with it. I was able to buy all our kids Christmas presents with my profits. It felt good to contribute again.

If you remember, my sister had been fighting cancer since Christmas 2019. In May 2020, she was told the chemo was working and with radiation, she may be able to beat it. On August 26th, 2020, Kellyn’s life was cut short. The cancer had returned and this time it was in her brain. There was nothing the doctors could do. This alone, has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. My baby sister gone at 31 years old. Our family, friends, and anyone that knew her, have been absolutely devastated. I miss her and struggle with her absence every single day. Not a moment goes by that I don’t mourn her loss. Just typing this has brought me to tears.

The holidays were hard this year. Our daughters miss her so much and have had a really hard time processing their grief. Because of all of this, Sarah held off on pushing the divorce through. As much as I appreciated that, it only delayed the inevitable. I tried to prove myself to her, but it wasn’t good enough. The divorce was finalized just a few weeks ago. We are still living together until I can find a place and get myself together. The problem is, I feel like I’m buried deep below the surface and I must figure out how to dig myself out before I can even attempt the climb up the mountain.

I would be lying if I said I haven’t thought about ending it all. Thing is, I don’t want to die, but I’m tired. I’m tired of being in pain and feeling this way. I’m exhausted from this constant fog and overworked brain. I feel like a shell of my former self. I can’t stand for more than a few minutes because of back pain, most likely from carrying so much extra weight up front. I don’t sleep well. I’m dead broke. Can’t find work that I’m capable of doing without shear pain. I’m closing in on 400lbs. I’ve never been so uncomfortable, and I just don’t want to do it anymore. However, I’ll keep plugging along for my little girls.

This brings me to right now. Finally able to go to a coffee house and write. Able to break away from the mundane and try to find some semblance of life 444 days ago. This is going to be all new territory for me and I’m dreading every single moment of it.

Help.

(un)Captured

It’s over my head now
Can’t touch the bottom
Before I could stand
But now I’m just rotten

It manifests itself
In all forms and fashions
Exhaustion and pain
Captured all of my passions

I look to the skies
For guidance and truth
Attempting to get back
My eviscerated youth

Face is on fire
From all the labored breathing
I need an oxygen mask
To fall from the ceiling

Glimpse of my reflection
A mammoth in the mirror
Disgusted and sad
How’d it get so severe

Doctors and insurers
Say they’ve all got your back
Instead they kick you around
Like a used hacky sack

Swirling in circles
Inside life’s giant funnel
Hoping to find light
At the end of the tunnel

So here I am God
I’m down here I’m kneeling
Please lift me up
So I can finally start healing