Tag Archives: Vulnerability

My Struggle with Addiction

The past 7 months have been one of the hardest fought times of my life. It has also been full of learning and growth. My therapist has been integral part of this journey. She is teaching me to find happiness within, confront my shame and vulnerability, and love myself. My family has also played a major role in my recovery and improvement. For the first time, I feel truly committed to cultivating the best life for myself and those that I love the most. That’s not to say that I don’t battle every day.

During the darker moments late at night, when I feel the most alone and isolated, I turn to God. I pray for guidance and truth. I pray that those I may have wronged, can forgive me. I pray that my children will find peace though all of these trials and tribulations. I pray for my wife who has had to endure so much for so long. I pray for the nightly anxiety to subside so I can get some sleep. I’m not sure if any of it works, but I figure it’s worth a try.

It’s been 3 weeks since I started down my path to sobriety. And it’s been going great. I feel like a different person. This is the least amount of alcohol I’ve had since before I was 21. I’ve spent nearly 15 years, drinking almost every single night. And most of those nights I drank in excess.

“The chains of alcohol are too light to be felt until they are too strong to be broken” –Anonymous

I rarely ever drank at home. If I did, it was with dinner or if we were having company. I preferred to just go to the bar late at night after everyone went to sleep. I was not only addicted to alcohol, but also to a community of people that I could hang out with and have some laughs or watch whatever game was on tv. I needed to feel that belonging and acceptance. My marriage was suffering. I was in constant pain. I had zero motivation or desire to do anything. The bar was my escape. And it was destroying every facet of my life.

It took a friend that bar tends where I frequented, to stand up and say that he was no longer going to serve me. He said he would not assist in my suicide. That was my eye opener. I’ve had a million reasons to stop, but for whatever reason, this is what did it. He and I aren’t even particularly close, but he stepped up where very few had before. I’ve been able to stop going out and get my anxiety under control. At one point, I was out drinking 7 nights a week. I was in a perpetual hangover, day after day. It affected my mood and my relationship with my family.

The bar decided upon themselves to put me on a limit. 3 beers a night. I understand why they decided to do this, but I also do not like to be treated like a child. I have a real problem with people that are regularly intoxicated, telling me what I can and can’t drink. It doesn’t solve my problem. It only made me angry and want to go somewhere else. They could wash their hands of it, and I could continue to do as I did before.

I found myself spending more time worrying about how I was going to convince the bartenders to lift their ban, than I was focusing on not drinking. I had to use the recent tools I had gained to confront my shame and find my courage to beat this demon.

This was going to take more than just going to a few AA meetings or some other support group, which I had tried. Admittedly, I didn’t give it much of a chance, but I just never felt the connection. The problem I was faced with was rooted much deeper than I had ever thought. I come from a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts. I’m unemployed and dangerously obese with a bad back and bad knees. My wife is at her wits end. I have no career path. No money. No accomplishments. I had no pride in myself. I was a shell of what I used to be and felt as though I was fading into oblivion.

I believe that most addicts fail at getting sober because they aren’t confronting the right problem. The addiction is the obvious one, but what caused them to start down that path to begin with? Confronting what causes their shame and repairing from within should be the first step. If you do not feel any value in yourself, how can you quit the thing that fills that void? Drugs and alcohol are replacements for getting true help.

Once I learned to love myself, I was able to repair other areas of my life. I still have a lot of work to do, but I can now do so with more confidence. I’m still ashamed by my weight and the way it makes me feel. It’s embarrassing. At least I now have more energy to attack these goals and get my life back on track.

“Only when an addict learns to love himself will he feel he’s worth changing.”
― Toni Sorenson

If you have read this far, please keep something in mind: people don’t set out to become an addict. No one wakes up one day and decides to become dependent on something that will take all of their money, steal their youth, rid them of every true friend and family member, and put their life at risk. That’s not how it happens. It’s a problem that existed before the drugs and they made a poor choice in order to stop the pain. I ask you all to please have compassion and understanding. I know it’s a hard concept for most people, but these are people, too. They have families that love them. They once had dreams just like you. Now, all they want is to feel some sort of peace. If you know one, help them. Help them find their courage.

With Gratitude,

Ryan

Gratitude

As I move along this path to self-discovery, I’m deeply exploring my vulnerability and courage. I’ve always thought they were polar opposites of each other. I understood courage to be what someone would use to stand up to their vulnerability and overcome it. As I learn and grow, I have found that they are more like best friends that live next door to each other. At my most vulnerable moments, it was actually courage that got me through it. Vulnerability was sitting with my wife during her chemo and discussing possible outcomes of her disease. Recently, I had to admit to a friend that I had betrayed his trust. Quitting a job for a better opportunity, that would end up in failure. Putting down the drink and admitting to my family and friends that I was addicted to alcohol. All of these things left me feeling vulnerable and even shameful. It wasn’t until much later that I learned this was also courage. Courage is what got me through all of those moments. You can’t have courage without vulnerability. It takes strength to be vulnerable.

Why are we so afraid to show our vulnerability? Why do we build walls to hide ourselves? I think it’s because we are afraid. We’re scared of rejection and hurt. We care what people think of us, no matter how many times we say that we don’t. Because we all want connection. We all want to be accepted and loved. If we let our guard down, then we open ourselves to pain and rejection. Love is vulnerability. Love is courage. Some would rather choose to never love so they never have to feel that pain. I just don’t think that’s a life worth living. Everyone will know loss at some point. It’s inevitable. Coming to grips with your vulnerability and embracing it, is the only way to navigate this journey.

I’m still learning how to do such things. Being open and honest with myself was the first major step I had to take. If I can’t come clean with myself, then I’m wasting my time and everyone else’s time that is trying to help. Seeing a counselor each week has helped me tremendously. She has been a crucial element on this journey. I’m also learning to give my stresses and worries to God. This has been particularly tough for me. I don’t know how to pass this along to someone else. I don’t know how to just stop thinking about what bothers me most. I don’t think it’s possible, but it is possible to practice gratitude. I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to rid my personal space of clutter. Just as I am trying to do the same in my brain. Pushing out the extra things that I don’t have control over or that which I don’t need. Being grateful for everything I have in my life, because I am truly blessed.

I mentioned God before. This is a very new concept to me. I’ve always disliked organized religion and refused to step foot in a church. I felt God had never been there for me or he had left me a long time ago. It wasn’t until my wife was diagnosed with cancer that I started attending church with her each week. It started to all make sense. I’m not sure if I get into the whole bible thing or if I even believe in Jesus Christ. However, what I have found is a community of positive people that have my best interest at heart. Even with thousands of members in their congregation, they always have time for me. There’s always someone to listen or help. I started to really embrace the church. I had so much gratitude for my new found faith and family. I truly look forward to going each week. I feel it helps to keep me grounded and reminds me to keep practicing gratitude.

As I struggle with addiction, I go back and forth on whether or not I’m addicted to the alcohol or the community. I rarely ever drink at home. The occasional beer while I’m out grilling or maybe some wine with dinner. I never seem to crave it at any point. As my life seems to deteriorate around me, I long for that group feeling. So, I go to the bar. It’s always full of people that I know that all want to have some fun. We’re likely all battling some inner turmoil and have chosen the bar to “get away from it all”. After all, alcohol is a great suppressor of pain and suffering, whether it’s physical or mental. Making the change to get out of the bar and get sober, will help to improve the other areas of my life. I can’t lose weight if I’m drinking every night. I can’t fix my marriage or be a better father if I am out binging until 3am. And no one can do it for me. I have to be strong enough to be vulnerable and have the courage to tackle these demons. I am more than my problems. I am better than this and I will prevail so I may know true joy and happiness.

Depression and anxiety consume my life on the daily. Most days I wake with a lump in my throat and it doesn’t subside until I get to the bar and have my first beer and a shot of whiskey. Unfortunately, it’s only a band aide and not a solution. Actually, it makes my life far worse. I was stuck in a vicious cycle of destruction. My antidepressants didn’t work well because they were constantly mixing with alcohol, negating their effect and usefulness. My brain needed a reward. I tried fulfilling that by drinking, smoking, shopping, eating, and anything else that I thought made me happy. None of it helped. Nothing made me happy. This was no life.

So, here I am. Its 4am on Thursday October 17th. I haven’t been able to get to sleep at a decent hour. Most likely because my body is used to having alcohol course though it. It’s only been 4 days, but that’s the longest I’ve gone without a drink in a very long time. I have to set boundaries in certain areas of my life because I’m afraid they will trigger me. Certain people in my life say they are here to help me, but they drink too much themselves. I don’t think I can be around alcohol just yet. Maybe it will only be temporary. Maybe sobriety will suit me better. As for now, I’m just going to do what I have to do for me. I have to cast fear into the fire and get myself straight.

With gratitude,

Ryan